Feeling Lightheaded

After one month of not shaving, I finally could not take it anymore!  Last night I had to take the razor and shave off the tangled bird's nest of a beard that had overtaken my face.  I thought I was going to need a weed whacker to get it all off. 

Once it was off, I was so overcome with joy that I decided to keep going and I buzzed all the hair off my head too.  So I instantly went from looking like a walking, talking Chia pet to looking like a NeoNazi.  

It is taking some getting used to.  I keep looking in the mirror and thinking, who's that dork?  Of course, that's nothing new.  I always think that when I look in the mirror.

My head just feels so light though.  And it feels like my hair is all poofy without product in it, even though there is hardly any hair there.  I'm sure that's what it feels like for people who lose a limb or something.  Not that I am comparing buzzing my hair to losing a limb.  My apologies to Bob, Art, and Mat.

So I have shaved, but I still haven't lost the 10 pounds.  Even with all my treadmill, weight machine, exercise ball, and general fidgeting regiments, I have still not made it there.  I swear the last time I did this, I lost 10 pounds in one hour, but this time it's been like 10 days and I haven't even lost 5 pounds.

I think I'm just getting to old.  I'm destined to be an old bald guy with a big gut and moobs.  My destiny can suck it....because I refuse to be that guy.  Two out of three I could take.  Bald with a gut...sign me up.  Moobs and a gut....sounds fun.  But all three?!  No way!

At least I'm so tall that you can only see the bald spot on the back of my head when I sit down.  So I try to avoid sitting at all costs.  I may have to start wearing a hat full time like Ron Howard and Bruce Willis.

Those are the random thoughts from a Stickman's head today.  Sorry it's so dull.   I'll try to be more inspired tomorrow!

Legalese - Who Talks Like That?

I don't know if any of you do much reading of legal documents or not, but if you do then you will understand what I'm talking about.  These things are just ridiculously written.  No one talks like this.

This morning, I have been reading through a couple patent applications.  These are for products that I know and understand, yet I still have to stop and try to figure out what in the world the thing is trying to say.  How sick is that?

So where does this "legalese" come from? Well, I assume that way back in the day, when blokes talked formal, it was pretty standard operating procedure.  But since no one actually talks like that anymore, why do they insist on writing that way still?  Perhaps it's just because those lawyer assholes think they can fool us lay people into signing things that we don't understand so that their clients can stick it to us.

I think I read one sentence that was two pages long.  By the time you get done with it, you forget the point.  So you have to start over.  It's like an endless loop.  Like the old Polish joke where you have the piece of paper that says "see other side" and you turn it over and it says "see other side" and you turn it over and it says "see other side" and it just keeps going and going and going until someone slaps you upside the head and tells you to stop.

Maybe the lawyers think that by sticking multiple words together (hereto, hereby, wherefore, heretofore, etc) makes them sound smarter, and thereby worthy of the astronomical sums of money that they choose to charge.  Which reminds me of the old 3 Stooges joke about the law firm Dewey, Cheatem, & How.

I found this example from Ohio Traffic Code on The Legalese Hall of Shame:

No vehicle shall be turned so as to proceed in the opposite direction within an intersection, or upon any street in a business district, or upon a freeway, expressway or controlled-access highway, or where authorized signs are erected to prohibit such movement, or at any other locations unless such movement can be made with reasonable safety to other users of the street and without interfering with the safe operation of any traffic that may be affected by such movement.

All this says is that you can't make a U-turn where there isn't room to or where a sign says you can't.  Duh!  Could have just said that.

For some reason I don't think this legalese will ever change.  At least they let lawyers in the United States quit wearing those stupid wigs though.  Those poor Brits still have to wear them.

I'll end with some lawyer jokes.  You might be a lawyer if...

You are charging someone for reading this.

The shortest sentence you have ever written was more that eighty words long.

You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

OK...back to reading!  Crossing eyes now.

No lawyers were hurt in the writing of this blog.

Hobbies - They're Great but Shut Up About Them

A few days ago I talked about my lack of ability to pick a hobby and stick with it.  I mean, I talked about my desire to broaden my horizons by experiencing a vast amount of activities.  Yeah, that sounds better.

But I tell you this, I would rather be one of those people with no hobby to speak of than one of those people with one hobby that they never shut up about.  Everybody knows somebody who is in to something that they never stop talking about - even though it may be the most boring thing in the world to everyone else.

Just in my office alone I can think of many such cases.  I have a bowler, a motorcycle enthusiast, a softball player, and a hunter.  I can tell you more than I care too about each of these person's hobby.  I know about bowling ball spin, I know about bullet spin, I know about tire spin, and I know about pitching spin.  I know about knocking down pins, I know about knocking down bikes, I know about knocking down deer, and I know about knocking down cold one's after the game.

But none of these compare to the things that I know about ski patrol!  That's right, I have one coworker who is a ski patroller at a local ski spot.  I have never heard anyone talk more about a hobby in my life.  Now granted, being a ski patroller is a noble hobby.  He helps a lot of people who have injured themselves.  But do we need to talk about it so much?

There is a lot of medical training that goes into being a ski patroller.  And apparently this guy has learned so much that he is now one of the trainers for new patrollers.  However, contrary to what he and others in the office may believe, he is not a doctor.  Yet, he takes it upon himself to diagnose everybody in the office.  If someone one stumbles and stubs their toe, he is there with his first aid kit, snapping on the latex gloves, faster than you can say Ow!  Picture Dwight from The Office.

He also somehow manages to bring up ski patrol in every meeting with vendors, customers, anyone.  It gets to a point about 20 minutes into the ski patrol lecture that you see people's eyes gloss over and they go into a social coma.  They are thinking of anything they can besides ski patrol, just to keep from becoming a permanent vegetable.

The best (or worst) of all, is that every time he gets in a vehicle he has to take along his ski patrol vest and first aid kit.  Why? Because every time he sees an accident (or a vehicle slide off - which we get a lot of in the winter here) he has to stop.  He says this is required by "first responders", but I think he just likes to use his ski patrol powers.

But if it's me sitting in a vehicle after an accident, and I see a guy run up with a bright orange vest that says "Ski Patrol" on it, I would be so pissed.  I can see him running up.  "Have no fear, Ski Patrol here."  And the person in the car saying, "Do you see any frickin skis on my feet?  Does it look like I'm out for a little recreation here?"

If you have a hobby, I'm happy for you.  I may even be interested in knowing what it is.  But if I was interested enough to listen to you talk about it for hours and hours, then I would be interested enough to go do it myself and then you wouldn't have to tell me about it.  So SHUT UP!

With that being said, please feel free to post comments and share your hobbies, or the hobbies of others that they have told you so much about.