Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Harrison Ford Stops Air Force One Terrorist Attack on New York

I love New York City.  I go there as often as I can.  I love the atmosphere, the hustle, the bustle, the style, and the overall energy of the place.  New Yorkers are a tough people that take no crap.

So imagine how disappointed I was in this group of people when I hear that they were stricken into a panic by the mere site of an airplane.  Sure it was a big airplane.  Sure it was flying at 1,000 feet.  Sure it had two fighter jets tailing it.  But, really?!?  You guys are way too cool to get freaked out by a damn plane.

And everybody is up in arms about who was told and who wasn't told and why weren't they?  And why does Air Force One (or the plane that is called Air Force One when POTUS is on board) need publicity photos anyway?  And was it really just the President taking a joy ride?

My answer too all of those questions is, who the F cares?  It's Air Force One!  I am obsessed with those planes.  And I tell you who wants one of those publicity pictures - ME!  I'll take a big ole poster and hang it in my living room.  I don't think I could get that approved so, let's say family room?  Den?  Bedroom?  OK... I'll totally hang that bad boy in my office !  The one at work that is.

I love all kinds of planes, but Air Force One is the pinnacle of jets.  When I die, I would like to be reincarnated as Air Force One.  That would be so dang awesome!  I don't even know if that's possible.  But let a guy dream!

Notice the terror on the Mt. Rushmore guy's faces?

So to get back to the point... New Yorkers quit being such pansy-ass babies.  You are New Yorkers for crying out loud.  So quit being New Yorkers that are crying out loud.  When you see a plane in the sky (which is where planes are supposed to be) don't freak out and evacuate buildings.  Just think back to how well you handled the plane that landed in the river a few months ago.  That was smooth.

And they weren't be insensitive by taking pictures in New York.  New York is the capitol of the world, damn it!  And I'm certain they weren't on the southern tip of the island to take pictures by the World Trade Center - that would be asinine.  There just happens to be a little thing down there called the Statue of Liberty which happens to be a great symbol of the freedom in our country.  Just as Air Force one is a great symbol of our country.

But imagine if it was terrorists, like in the movie Air Force One starring Harrison Ford.  I wonder if Obama could be bad-ass enough to thwart the terrorists and take back control of the plane.  It would be a fun fight to watch!

Why do people have to get worked up and complain about everything?  Can't we all just get along.

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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

You Can't Scare Me- I'm Way To Fat

I just saw the most bizarre article.  Someone actually performed a study, with the result finding being that scrawny people are easier to scare.   Apparently if you are "scrawny" then when you hear a sound, you are easily scared.

I could have told them that.  Girl child is scrawny and I scare the living shit out of her on a daily basis.  I always hide around the house when I hear her coming down the stairs (and you can always here coming down the stairs - the frickin neighbors can hear her coming down the stairs!).  Once hidden, I just wait her out and jump out and yell something like "big fish!"

She is utterly scared of big fish.  We saw the movie Journey to the Center of The Earth in 3D last summer.  There is this scene where they get attached by these nasty looking fish.  At one point they showed one of those fish, and I swear to God she jumped 3 feet into the air.  The other night that movie was on HBO, so I paused that scene and called her downstairs and then played it again to scare her.

We love scaring people around our house.  Once, I came in the house, and I thought Mrs. S was down the hall, so I poised myself around the corner at the end of the hall ready to pounce at her when she came down the hall.  All of a sudden, I hear "what are you doing?" from behind me.  She was sitting in the family room watching me "hiding."  I said, "I thought you were down the hall and I was waiting to give you a surprise hug."  She didn't buy it.

Sometimes we have family scary movie night.  After those, everyone is really easy to scare for at least a couple of weeks.  It's very fun.  After we watched The Strangers, I would just randomly knock on girl child's bedroom wall.  She didn't like that.  I loved it!

Since I don't qualify as "scrawny" by any means, no one can scare me.  Try as they might.  Also, the article said that women scare easier than men.  Could have told them that too!

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Monday, April 27, 2009

If One of Those Pigs Gets Me Sick...

In an effort to stay healthy I have decided to go all Michael Jackson and wear a surgical mask, as well as one bedazzled glove for shaking hands and touching stuff (i.e. filthy bathroom doors, computers, and phones, children - no wait, that's what HE uses it for).

The last thing I want is to get sick as a pig.  Next thing you know, I will be rolling around in my own crap or being cut up for bacon.  Neither of which sounds appealing.

I'm also hoping that this mask and glove will protect me not only from the swine virus, but also from the conficker virus.  The last thing I want is some worm in me that will make me start sending junk emails to everyone I know.  Plus it just sounds gross.

I know some people who have already been infected with both of these illnesses.  I'm pretty sure that girl child is infected with that swine thing, because I saw her eating breakfast this morning and she was slopping up that cereal.  And she may have gotten it from boy child, because he always eats like a pig.

And I have co-workers that must have come down with conficker, because they are always sending me stupid forward junk mail.  Speaking of, I hate getting all the stupid forwards where if I don't send it on to 7 people then I will burn in eternal fire, or Bill Gates will murder my children, or it means I am generally just a bad person.  I think you are a bad person if you DO forward those on.  And also, if you DO send a forward, how about deleting the 6,000 email addresses of all the other people that forwarded it so I don't have to scroll down for 2 miles to find the damn email.

And that's all I have to say about that.  What a tangent.

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Sunday, April 26, 2009

I Love TV, But Man Does It Suck Sometimes

We are having a wonderful rainy day, so we are sitting inside trying to stay entertained. It's not working!

We have 400 channels on cable, plus On Demand content, plus DVR, plus about 500 DVD's downstairs, yet I can not find one single solitary thing to watch! I am more frustrated that Susan Boyle trying to get kissed. It's just ridiculous.

So I have ended up spending the whole day playing online poker, while I watch poker on TV. It's kind of a theme day I guess.

I've come up with this wonderful plan where the cable networks will let you buy channels a la carte. So instead of having 400 channels - 380 of which I never watch - I could just pick the 20 or 30 channels that I actually watch and pay for them.

The price per channel would be based on it's popularity. So maybe my cable bill is $30 instead of $100, and I have the added bonus of not having to look through so many stupid channels that distract me!

Cable companies are a big racket. They are evil. They may be the antichrist, although I don't know that a whole company can be the antichrist. I think that is just one person. But if it could be a whole company, then it would be a cable company. And it could use the cable to brainwash us. And the mark of the best would be the little red spot on my thumb from pushing the channel button so much.

If you work for the cable company, then I'm sorry I said these bad things about you, but I'm really not so F you!

Stickman out!
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Saturday, April 25, 2009

This Blog Was Written By Professionals - Do Not Attempt This At Home

I just saw a commercial for T-Mobile, where some lady drives out into the desert and cuts down a telephone pole, and then somehow by cutting down this one pole she starts some sort of miraculous chain reaction where all of the telephone poles on the road start falling down.

First of all, this is just dumb and ridiculous in itself. However, this isn't the dumbest thing about the commercial. The dumbest thing is that it has fine print across the bottom of the screen that says "We do not encourage vandalism. Please do not attempt."

Really?!? Who are these idiots that are sitting at home and thinking, "you know what... I'm gonna go out and try that" and then sure enough, getting off of their couch, leaving the trailer, and going out and cutting down a telephone pole? Seriously. Do these people exist?

But that's not all. Once they go out and do this, and then perhaps get arrested for it. They take it one step farther and actually sue T-Mobile for giving them the idea. Sure I may be stupid, and sure I may do dumb and/or illegal things, but if it wasn't for that damn T-Mobile I would still be sitting on the couch in the trailer drinking some Shlitz's Malt Liquor and watching my family on Cops.

I swear our society is out of control. Nobody can take responsibility for their own actions anymore. There's always somebody else to blame. Therefore, we get all the fine print on ads and are told "not to attempt" anything at home.

That's my two cents for the day. Stickman out!
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Friday, April 24, 2009

Forgiveness Friday - I Beg Your Pardon

It's the second Double-F Friday in a row.  Last weak, I did Freaky Friday, which was rather disturbing.  I can't even stomach looking at that post.

Since today is a Double F-ing Friday in the truest sense, and since nothing is going my way today (I majorly cursed out a 3-hole puncher earlier) I have decided to dub today Forgiveness Friday, and use the power of the pardon to forgive certain people, places, and things.  

On the Day of our Lord, the 24th day of April, in the year of 2009, I, Stickman, do hearby bestow my forgiveness upon the following souls:

The 3-Hole Punch.  I know it's not your fault that sometimes you get jammed up.  I just need to empty you more often and take care of you better.  Sorry I yelled at you.  You are forgiven.

The Economy.  I know you wickedly suck right now.  But is it really your fault?  It's not like you gave all those home loans yourself.  I think you are getting a bad rap, and, therefore, I forgive you for sucking so bad.

AIG Employees.  So you got some big bonuses and people are pretty pissed at you.  But I can't blame you.  If someone handed me a big bonus check, I would take it too!  Especially in this sucky economy (sorry, Economy).  I forgive you for looking out for yourselves.

The CIA/Pentagon.  Everybody knows you tortured some terrorists.  There's no hiding it anymore.  But it's OK.  We watch 24, and we understand when Jack often (hehe... I said Jack off) has to torture people, so I think we can understand that you do too.  I forgive you for it.  Besides, we blame Dick Cheney, don't we?

Susan Boyle.  So you are ugly, homely, you've never been kissed, but you can sing good enough to make a big splash on a British talent show.  Sure there is nothing special about this, but the media decided to turn it into a sensation anyway.  Is that your fault really?  I just can't bring myself to blame you.  So I forgive you.  However, feel free to lock yourself in a dungeon somewhere never to be seen again.

The Midwest.  You are cold all winter, is that really your fault.  It's not like you chose to be located where you are.  That's just the way the continental plates shifted.  Besides, you have made it to nearly 80 degrees today, and you deserve a break for that.  I forgive you for winter.

Paula Abdul.  Is it really your fault that you are a complete waste of DNA?  Well, maybe it is.  You are the one that did the drugs.  And you are the one that keeps insisting on being in the public eye, and opening your mouth to spew out senseless words combined into senseless sentences.  But I forgive you.  Wait.  I take it back.  I don't forgive you at all.  Hah!  Two steps forward, three steps back.

Diesel.  You write one of the funniest blogs on the internet.  And then you go and take a sabbatical and leave the whole world hanging.  WTF?  But, I forgive you.  I know that you will be back and funnier than ever.

That ends today's pardons.  If you feel you or someone else deserves forgiveness, please feel free to let me know or add them in the comments.

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Thursday, April 23, 2009

I Knew Spiderman Liked To Swing - Just Didn't Know He Swung Both Ways

I'm watching American Idol last night, and the local news keeps teasing a story about Adam Lambert playing Spiderman.  Really?!?  Mrs. Stickman and I laughed at the absurdity of that.  Lambert just doesn't seem like the Spiderman type.  

From the very first second that Adam appeared on screen during American Idol auditions, I picked him to win this year.  From the very second second that Adam appeared on screen, I picked him to be a flaming queer homosexual.  

I just couldn't see Spiderman being a homo.  It just didn't fit.  Can you picture Spiderman fighting the Green Goblin, and Goblin says, "quit shooting those sticky webs at me, Spiderman."  And Spiderman says, "that's not webs, Goblie!" followed by a wink wink.  

No thank you!  They would have to replace Mary Jane with Marty John.  And that's just not right.  Can you imagine the upside down kiss with two dudes?  Or they would have to change it from Spiderman to Spiedherman, and have him steal some woman's man.

Then I find out that the Spiderman production that Lambert is (or was actually - he couldn't do it because he made it onto American Idol) being considered for is a Broadway show.  Really?!?  Spiderman on Broadway.  With hit songs like "Swinging in The Rain" I figured.  

But then it got interesting when I found out that most of the songs for the show were written by U2's Bono and The Edge.  Now I'm actually interested in seeing this show, with Adam Lambert in it.  Sign me up, put the tickets in the mail, I'll be there.

So, ladies and gentleman, Spiderman is gay.  Not that there's anything wrong with that!

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Earth Day - Celebrate This Planet Before It Turns Into A Ball Of Fire!

Today is Earth Day.  As if you didn't know.  It's all anyone is talking about.  Well, I guess there is a lot of talk about Susan Boyle, too, but other than that it's pretty much only Earth Day.  Or the economy.  Or American Idol.  Or Hugo Chavez and Obama being BFF's.  OK OK.  I get it.  So a few people are talking about Earth Day a little bit.  Sheesh.

Earth Day ranks right up there with Grandparent's Day or Boss's Day.  It barely edged past Put My Wiener In A Meat Grinder Day as my all time favorite "day."

Anyway, as a Midwesterner, I am fully in support of Earth.  I love what it is doing with global warming.  Anything that makes it warmer here gets my vote.  Most of the winter, I stand on the deck spraying 99 cent cans of Aquanet into the air.  I figure I should do my part to deplete the Ozone Layer like every good earthling that lives in a cold climate.  Screw those people in the tropics, they had their turn!

I can't wait until Uranus Day because that would just be awesome to celebrate - just because it's such a fun word to say.  Pluto Day would also be fun because so many people would get it confused with the Disney character, and all these young kids and stupid ladies would be walking around wearing shirts with the a cartoon dog on them saying "happy Pluto Day" to everyone.  ( I know... Pluto isn't technically a "planet" anymore, but it will always be in my heart.)

Speaking of... what is the deal with grown ups that wear Disney clothes?  I don't get it at all.  You are a 40 year old woman, you most likely weigh at least 250 pounds (from what I can tell that is a requirement.  Disney must make kids sizes and then jump straight to Adult 2XL), you have no kids anywhere around you, you are NOT inside a Disney park.... so why THE HELL are you wearing a Disney shirt?

Anywho... Happy Earth Day!  Be sure to plant a tree, or just hug one if you don't have a shovel, or a baby tree, or a damn to give.  I'm doing my part by writing this blog online instead of using paper!  

Every bit helps!  We know the Environmental Protection Agency is doing their part by eradicating Bedbugs.

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Special Guest Blogger - Mrs. Stickman!

Today is my wedding anniversary.  As a special treat, I decided it would be a wonderful idea to have Mrs. Stickman write today's post.  It would be sort of an anniversary present for both of us, and for you the reader, as well.

Sunday, I approached Mrs. S with the idea.  Here is the response I got - "Hell no!"  So, in the interest of full disclosure - I lied in the title of this post!  But not entirely.

You see, since she didn't agree to actually do this herself, I have decided that out of the goodness of my heart, I will write her guest post for her.  I'm sure I know everything she would have said anyway.  We are soul-mates after all.  I know her better than I know myself.

So without further ado, here is Mrs. Stickman's guest post (ghost written by Stickman):

When my wonderful husband first asked me to be a guest blogger on Stickman Musings, I could hardly contain my excitement.  I felt that there could be no way more perfect for me to celebrate our wedding anniversary than to express to the entire world just what an amazing man he really is.
First, let me tell you that there is no one in the world smarter than my husband.  He knows everything!  And, I so appreciate his willingness to share all of his knowledge with me.  There is nothing more rewarding than having him explain the most intricate details of everything.  I am so much smarter for it.
One of the things about him that I love the most - as I'm sure all of you do too - is his sharp wit and impeccable sense of humor.  He can make a witty joke at the drop of a hat, and oh my goodness are they funny.  Sometimes I nearly wet myself I am laughing so hard.  His ability to make up words (which he likes to "trademark") is uncanny.  And his physical humor rivals that of Jerry Lewis and Jim Carrey.  We, as a family, are so lucky to get these private shows each day.
Here are a few other things I love about him:
  • He has an incredibly muscular body.  Who wants a six pack when you can have a whole keg.  So sexy!
  • He has amazing hair.  Male pattern baldness is so hot.
  • He is so confident and secure.  He never needs me to give him affirmation.
  • He sings like an angel.  It's like he's half Fergie and half Jesus.
  • He is so cute when he snores.  I could sit and listen to it for hours.
  • He is a very sharp dresser. He never ceases to amaze me with his fashion sense.
  • He is oh so helpful around the house.  I never have to lift a finger.
Thank you so much for reading my guest post.  I hope that you all continue to support my awesome husband's blog.  Be sure to give him lots of those "smiley's" that he seems to crave so much.  He nearly wet himself when he made the "front page" on "humor blogs."  Whatever all of that means.
Thanks, again!  And wish us a Happy Anniversary of the luckiest day of my life!

Thank you so much, baby.  That was an excellent post.  A little embarrassing though.  I think I'm blushing at all the nice things you said.  You should do this more often.

Have a great day everyone!  Stickman out!

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Monday, April 20, 2009

Our Whole Universe May Just Be One Cell In A Booger Up The Nose Of Some Larger Universe's Paula Abdul

Have you ever thought about how the world as we know it, may just be the puss in a pimple on some hairy dude's ass in the great scale of thing.  Sometimes when I see a movie like Horton Hears a Who, or read books like Stephen King's Dark Tower Series, it really gets me pondering this great big world of ours - and the potentially bigger one around it.

As science progresses and they are able to break things down smaller and smaller, and we discover that the world is made up of those Russian dolls that you open up and there's the exact same doll in there, only smaller.  And then you open that one, and sure enough, there's the same damn doll again, only smaller yet.  And on and on.

You can't help but to start thinking that our whole universe may all be part of one big cell that's part of something really, really big.  I'm an electron.  You're a neutron.  Which would be really cool if your name was Jimmy, cause then you could have your very own TV show for all the little electrons and neutrons to watch  - not to mention your very own 4D ride at Universal Studios - although it would be hard to walk good with a head that big.

If you really try to wrap your mind around this, it can be rather mind blowing.  It can also make you feel quite meaningless and lead to severe depression and suicidal behavior - but that's if you are already incredibly insecure and/or a crazy person.

So if our whole universe is just a little cell in a much bigger universe, I hope that we are at least a cell on something cool.  It would suck if we were part of a dog turd, or a homeless person's toe cheese, or part of a stray hair in someone's Mac & Cheese.  

It would be cool to be plaque on a movie star's teeth, or gunk under the President's fingernail, or part of some kind of biological weapon that could take over that larger world, making us the supreme beings!  Now we're talking.

There's got to be some kind of time difference too, right?  Time must go faster in our much smaller world, just like it does for smaller things - like bugs - in our world.  It's just all so much to wrap your head around.  I have to stop before I go insane.

See you around the cell.  Stickman out!

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Sunday, April 19, 2009

Vampires - They Kind of Suck

Has anyone else noticed that vampires suck? But then again, so do vacuums - and we all seem to have one of those. So I guess just because something sucks doesn't mean that it isn't useful.

I have vampires on the brain because I just started a new book called The Historian. This book is about people that are studying the history of Vlad the Impaler, who is supposed to be the true figure of Dracula. So far, so good.

Look how useful vampires have been to Stephanie Meyers. If you aren't familiar with her, she is the author that wrote the Twilight series. This is a series of books about centuries old, yet still teenage, vampires. The tweens love this stuff. They go ecstatic over it. Those damn vampires are like The Beatles, or Elvis, to these kids.

So, or course, being the kind of Dad I am - the kind that likes to be up on the latest "thing" - I decided to read these books. Girl child had read them, and then Mrs. S read them too. So, I took their advice and gave the books a shot.

Let me tell you what I thought of these books. The were dumb. Useless. A waste of my time. I can't believe I used up all of that time of my life that I will never get back. And on top of that, I had to go and see the retarded movie too. I can't believe that any one that isn't 12 and female would read these books.

If you are Mrs. S or girl child, please skip the rest of this paragraph and go directly to the next one. OK, so here's the real deal. I LOVED this book series. I was so caught up, I could not read the books fast enough. Once I finished all the published books, I went online and read the draft of the next, unpublished book. I am totally on Team Jacob. He is way better than Edward. Especially in the second book. Edward is so, like totally, dumb. And I can't wait until the second movie comes out in November!

Anyway, I'm sure when the second movie comes out, the household females are totally going to drag me to go see it. Barf! And now they have gotten the boy child to read the books, and he is all into it to. Poor kid! He had stepped over to the dark side.

And, also, speaking of things that suck. Why can't a guy just drink a fuzzy navel wine cooler without having his manhood called into question. That's all I'd like to know? Someone please answer this for me. They taste so damn good! And sometimes a guy just doesn't want beer. Sometimes he wants something fruity. Oh... I may have just answered my own question. It's the "fruity" thing, isn't it?

Well, I'm off to drink some more wine coolers in the comfort of my own home. Cause that's what a man does. He's not too ashamed to be mocked by his cruel wife. He drinks what he damn well pleases! In private. At home.

Stickman out!
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Saturday, April 18, 2009

Removing 20 Layers of Clothes With No Frostbite!

I love Spring. Especially living in the frozen tundra that is the Midwest. When Spring finally decides the come out of hibernation and show its sunny face, we idiots who choose to live here get awful excited.

When I lived down South, and I would come up to the Midwest to visit, I always found it so strange that everyone was outside all the time. You'd see people just standing in their yards with goofy looks on their face. I always assumed there was some kind of retard infestation problem up here or something.

It wasn't until I moved here, that I realized after being locked inside your house for 6 months while the air outside was cold enough to freeze the snot in your nose, it was damn nice to go outside. And I too would stand in my yard with a look of amazement on my face that such a world does truly exist. A world where things are warm, and green, and the sky is blue, and there is this big giant round yellow orb in the sky making everyone happy.

It was so nice yesterday, that after work we went to one of our favorite restaurant/bars downtown and sat out on their patio, drinking our favorite summer brew - Oberon. It was perfect. Exactly the way life is supposed to be. Be warm. Drink beer. Mock people. What more could a person want?

As I type this blog, I am sitting out on the deck in my bathing suit, enjoying the sun. It's not quit time to open the pool yet, but I spent a bit of time in the hot tub, both last night and this morning. It just feels like summer! I was almost tempted to pop the pool cover and take a polar plunge!

So to all of you that live in warm locations, and don't understand winter. Screw you! You suck!

To all of you that live in the frigid north, congratulations on being able to step outside without at least 4 pairs of socks on! Enjoy the warmth! We have to while we still can. Winter starts again soon!

Enjoy the weekend and take time to smell the roses. Who am I kidding? It isn't THAT warm yet. There aren't even leaves!

Stickman out!
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Friday, April 17, 2009

Freaky Friday! - Because It's Better Than Flatulence Friday

In an effort to join the blogging world's love of using alliteration with the day of the week, I have proclaimed today's musing "Freaky Friday!"  Not only is it the second F word (OK...third) that I came up with (one wasn't appropriate, the other was just gross), but it is also very fitting to the day.

First, it is freakishly warm out.  Second, I am indeed a freak.  Third, a Freaky Friday type movie is opening up in theaters around the nation today.  All of us tweens are very excited about it because it stars High School Musical alum Zac Efron.  {pause for little girls to scream}  For more about my excitement, refer to my Embarrassing Kids post.

OK.  I know that all three of those reasons are completely lame.  So please refrain from posting hateful comments.  Because I am going to make up for it now.  Below, I present to you my Freaky Friday Freaks!

Classic Freak Show Category
A man with a leg growing out his ass.

Freaky Piercing Category
Man who will never make it past a metal detector.

Ate Too Freaking Much Category
Man who ate waaaaayy too much.

Freakiest Way To Perform A Simple Task
Woman who should never be invited for coffee.

Modern Freak Category
Man with no nose.  Or man who's had too many different noses.

I hope you aren't too freaked out.  And I hope that nobody lost their lunch.  I know these images are quite disturbing.  I feel a bit queasy as I'm typing this!

I hope everybody has a freaking awesome Friday!  Stickman out!

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Thursday, April 16, 2009

I Just Want To Be Loved - Is That So Wrong?

Last night Mrs. Stickman and I are laying in bed watching TV, and I get up to leave the room.  I had just finished having some cookies and milk, and I wanted to head downstairs to get some water.  (Side Note:  If a guy wants to make some cookies, and then proceed to eat the entire batch, that should be his prerogative, right?  And no one should make fun of him for it, right?  I'm just saying.)

So, I get out of bed and start heading towards the door.  "Where you going?," says Mrs. S.  "I'm moving out," says I.  "OK.  See ya," says Mrs. S.

OK.  See ya?  That's the response I get to moving out.  Now, I know that she knew I wasn't really moving out.  But still!  She could have at least given me a half-assed "please don't go," or a sarcastic "but I can't live without you."  Is that too much to ask?

I think she was so lassaiz-faire (oh, fancy) about the whole thing because she was holding a grudge from earlier in the evening when I kicked her ass let her beat me at a game of Sorry.  She is very competitive when it comes to games.  I, on the other hand - being the selfless person that I am - would prefer to let her win.

Typically if we play Sorry, she gets mad at me because I am too nice.  I go out of my way to not send people back to start.  Which, apparently, "ruins the game."  Last night, however, I was on a roll, and I was really sticking it to her (no not like that! - perverts!).  I can't even begin to tell you how many times she called me "asshole" - that's her pet name for me.   You know, it was just your basic family game night.  The kids loved it.

In the end, she did end up winning the game, however.  So, perhaps, that is not why she didn't care if I moved out.  Maybe it was because of the Olive Garden commercials.

For some reason there were an extra lot of Olive Garden commercials on last night.  And every time one would come on, I would make a comment about going to see Ben.  She wasn't happy with that.

This goes back almost 6 years ago.  We were at OG and we had a waiter.  His name was Ben.  

"He looks familiar.  I think I might know him," says Mrs. S.  

"Is his last name Gay?" asks I.  

After thinking about it for a couple seconds, Mrs. S. says, "No.  I don't think that's it."  

At which point I laughed.  "Is it Dover?" asks I.  

Then she caught on.  And I laughed again.  A lot.  

And I'm still laughing 6 years later!  And last night she acted like it was so awful that I still laugh at that.  As if she wouldn't mock me for something that long ago.  At which point I pointed out numerous things that she mocks me about from that long ago.  At which point she says, "yeah, but those are funny."  

Women and their double standards!  We men - especially us nice, loving, sensitive, and insecure ones - have it so rough!

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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Yo Ho! No Not You Hooker, I'm Just Singing A Pirate Song

Pirates.  They're so hot right now.  Everywhere you turn it's pirates this and pirates that.  But mostly they are getting a bad rep.  I hear they are currently in negotiations with Johnny Depp to be a spokesperson for them.  However, when approached, he ran away in fear.

After an amazing rescue by the Navy SEALS, in which 3 pirates were killed - not to mention a promise by the US President to deal with the issue, you would think these pirates would back down and shrink away.  But is this what they did?  No way.  They went and hijacked 4 more ships!

Some may think these pirates are daring or brave.  Some may think they are just that desperate from living in a third world country with little to no opportunities for its citizens.  But I know the truth.  They are just dumb!

This is an actual transcript that I received from one of my contacts in the CIA:

Pirate Leader:  Let's get out there and hijack us some ships!

Pirate 1:  But, pirate leader sir, what about the SEALS that the US Navy has sent here.

Pirate Leader:  You mean to tell me that you are afraid of some seals?

Pirate 1:  Yes, pirate leader sir.  They are dangerous.

Pirate Leader:  What are you scared of?  That they will clap at you?

Pirate 2:  But, oh great pirate leader sir, they have already killed some of our comrades.

Pirate Leader:  Oh, scary.  What did they do?  Throw a beach ball at them with their nose?

Pirate 2:  I don't even know what a beach ball is?  Is it an explosive, pirate leader sir?

Pirate 1:  With all due respect, pirate leader sir, I think we are talking about the wrong kind of seals.  These are Navy SEALS.

Pirate Leader:  Of course they are Navy Seals.  What good would a seal be to the Air Force or the Army?

Pirate 2:  Yeah, you're dumb!

Pirate 1:  You're dumb!

Pirate 2:  You're grandma wears wooden underwear!

{Transmission is muffled for 5 minutes by the sounds of a scuffle}

Pirate Leader:  Are you two nanny goat tit sucking babies done?

Pirate 2:  Yes, oh great pirate leader, sir.

Pirate 1:  I guess.

Pirate Leader:  Then let's go pirate us some ships!

Pirate 1 and 2:  Yes, pirate leader sir.

I repeat, this was a transcript of an actual conversation picked up by the most advanced spy technology available.  I would tell you how we got it, but then - of course - I would have to kill you.

Since we're dealing with this kind of intelligence - or lack thereof - I don't think they are going to stop anytime soon.  Except for the fact that our military will blow all their heads off.  Maybe they should switch over to pirating DVDs and stuff.  That's much safer.  And easier!  If they can figure out how to use the damn technology.

Stickman out!

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Bedbugs - Our Greatest Environmental Challenge

The globe is warming.  The polar ice caps are melting.  Pollution is making our air unbreathable.  Water runoff from urban areas is ruining our rivers and killing wildlife.  The earth is in serious trouble, right?

It is a good thing that we have the Environmental Protection Agency to figure out the answers to these problems.  I know that they are dedicating every minute to hard work and research to solve these important issues.  It is priority numero uno!

What's that?  Oh. I see.

It appears that I have been mistaken.  The EPA has put the environment on the back burner to tackle the even more important issue of bedbugs.  Apparently, they will not rest until the entire world can have a good night and sleep tight.  And then at that point, one can hope, they will actually get back to the environmental issues.

According to this article, this bedbug epidemic is on the rise, and will soon be out of control!  No one is safe!

There are college dorms that are infested.  I see how this could happen, because no one I knew in college washed their sheets more than once a semester.  Apparently homeless shelters are also infested too.  Really?  What aren't those things infested with.

The one that gets me though is that there are "swanky" hotels around the country infested, including in our nation's capital.   And let's be honest, this is the reason that someone is looking in to it.  College students?  Bummer.  Homeless people?  Who cares.  Swanky hotel visitors?  My god, man, something must be done!

I have decided that to be safe, whenever I make a hotel reservation, I will first ask the agent if their hotel is considered "swanky."  If it is, then I will find myself another hotel.  If I'm going to spend a bunch of money on a room, and still not sleep tight, then I might as well stay at a homeless shelter for free.  Am I right?  I still get free breakfast.

Perhaps I can get President Obama to appoint me as the Bedbug Czar, heading up the Department of Bedtime Security.  I can travel from swanky hotel to swanky hotel with a blacklight and a pair of red glasses.  I would be like half CSI and half Orkin man.  I'd hunt those bedbugs down like they were Osama bin Laden.  My own personal War on Terror.

Let's just hope we can kill all those bugs before the planet explodes in a ball of fire.  Although, that would be a good way to kill all those bugs.

Stickman out!

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Monday, April 13, 2009

King of Nothing

So this weekend we visited Graceland, the home of Elvis Presley.  Well, it was.  He's dead now.  Well, not everyone believes that.  But even if he isn't dead, he doesn't live at Graceland anymore.  Or does he?  They won't let you upstairs.  I wonder why.  Hmmmmm. 

As I mentioned before, I always tell the little ones - kids, not midgets...jeez - that I used to, in fact, be Elvis.  They were very disappointed that the staff of Graceland didn't welcome me home like a prodigal son and kick all those damn people out of our house.  They were jonesing to jump in the pool.

Elvis sure did live like a king.  I guess they didn't call him the King of Rock-n-Roll for nothing.  The house is pimpin', but it doesn't even compare to the planes.  His planes kicked ass.  My man was living large.  Graceland was the original Crib.

All of this opulence got me thinking... I'd like to be the King of Rock-n-Roll.  Or the King of Pop.  King of England - or Morocco.  King of My Own Domain even!  Anything!  But mostly I'm just the King of Nothing.

It might sound like an easy job being King of Nothing, but I tell you - it is pretty tough.  First, there is a lot of waving at nobody.  Too much of that will give you carpel tunnel for sure.  Second, every time I walk into a damn room they have to have that music.  Mostly I just sing that myself due to the shortage of musicians among my subjects.  Also, I have to spend a lot of time on the throne.  It's a very nice one - made of porcelain - but it can get uncomfortable if you sit on it too long.

Usually when I'm on my throne I read, or play one of the cool games I download from the iTunes store, but there are also times when I spend long moments in deep thought.  There are times when I feel a release, and other times when I can smell something brewing in the air.  I make sure to mark these moments on the great paper scroll that is always kept close to the throne.

OK... that was getting a little out of control.  Moving on now...

After we left Graceland - and I kept going on and on about it - Mrs S and I had this conversation:

Mrs S:  I bet you would mary Elvis' daughter if you had a chance.  Just so you could be connected to Elvis.

Me:  If there were no you in this world, then hell yeah I would marry her.  And I would even take her name.

Mrs S:  You would want to be called Lisa Marie?

Me:  Her last name, dufas!

Mrs S:  Oh!  Yeah, I guess that makes more sense.

If I married her, I wonder if I would be the Prince of Rock-n-Roll.  I could live with that.  But only - I repeat - only if Mrs. S never existed in this world.  She has stolen my heart forever, and no one could ever compare.  {Cheese alert}

Well, I must get back to my duties in ruling over nothing.  A lot to not do.  No where to go.  No one to see.  Busy busy.

Stickman out!

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Sunday, April 12, 2009

Home Sweet Home

I love to travel. It is probably my most favorite thing to do. And in my day I have done plenty of it. It never ever gets old. But with all the traveling, there is still no place like home.

There's nothing like your own stuff for the ultimate in comfort. As I write this, I am sitting in my special spot on the couch with the cushion specially formed for the unique curves of my butt while drinking out of my own dishes watching my own Tivo'd shows on my own TV. Pure bliss!

Speaking of Tivo - what the hell did we do before Tivo? How did we exist as a human race without the ability to easily record our favorite shows, pause live television, and have a wonderful menu system for seeing what is on. I don't know what I would do without it. It would be liking living without the automobile, electricity, or fire!

This week on vacation, our condo didn't have digital cable or a DVR. We didn't watch much TV, but when we did we actually had to flip through the channels to see what was on! Or watch that dumb TV Guide channel. Can you believe that crap? It felt so 1990's!

I remember when we got our first Tivo almost 6 years ago. I was an instant addict. I would pause the show just so that I could cough. I felt so powerful - the Lord of Television Programming. I started and stopped TV shows at my whim.

So, here we sit. Home on Easter. Spending the whole day watching 20 hours of recorded shows that we could have easily lived without watching if the whole DVR thing didn't exist. Technology sure does spoil us. But that may not neccessarily be good, eh?

Back to work tommorrow. Yuck! But back into a regular routine is good I guess. Maybe on tomorrow's post, I'll throw up a couple pictures of Graceland. Man, Elvis had the original Crib. He was big pimpin'!

Stickman out!
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Friday, April 10, 2009

Graceland Here We Come!

Weather is not looking good on our last full day here, so we have decided to leave early and head for Memphis. We going to stay there tonight and do the Graceland tour and stuff in the morning, and then head home from there.

I am a HUGE Elvis fan. Can't even begin to describe to you how much I love Elvis. I've been there many times myself, but the fam has never been. So we are all going to experience it together.

Should be a good time. I really can't wait!

This is going to be a super short post, since we are going to hit the road. And with traveling tomorrow and stuff, I may miss a day. Monday I will be back to my regular type musings.

Have a great weekend everybody. Stickman out!
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Thursday, April 9, 2009

Spring Break For Dummies

It appears that most of the high school kids here in Florida for Spring Break with their parents have all read the book Spring Break For Dummies. Think of any cliche thing that would be done on Spring Break, and I guarantee you these kids have it on a list and they are checking them off as they go along.

1. Yell obscenities at the opposite sex. Check.

2. Drive down street with windows down and yell useless things like "Spring Break 2009" at the top of your lungs to every person you pass. Check.

3. Pointless use of profanity. Check.

4. Loud music. Check.

I have to expand on that one. We were watching this kid on a balcony kind of across from ours. He was all alone. He had his laptop sitting on the balcony floor. He had some crappy sounding little speaker plugged into the laptop playing music, but not very loudly. He was trying to get the attention of some people down by the pool area with his music by a miserable attempt at dancing. That's not working so he gets the idea to pick the speaker up over his head and dance. But when he picks the speaker up it comes unplugged from the laptop. So he puts it down and rehooks it up. Then he tries to put it above his head again, and it comes unplugged AGAIN. He repeated this process about four times before he gave up and went inside. We laughed at that poor kid so hard.

5. Complete disregard for authority figures. Check.

6. Strut. Check.

7. Inappropriately skimpy bathing suit. Check.

It's like all of these kids got ahold of an old MTV Spring Break video from the early 90's and have patterned their week after it. Problem is that there is no MTV here, and they are all just high school, or even junior high, punks. Not college co-eds with alcohol.

We had great weather again today. Have spent a lot of time in the sun. And heading back out now. We're nearing the end of the week, and thoughts of going back to work are starting to creep in. Damn!

Stickman out!
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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Smell The Flesh Sizzle

We finally had a day of perfect weather. We have been out on the beach soaking up the sun all day. It's just been absolutely perfect. Too bad it wasn't like this every day.

I'm getting my tan on pretty good. So is Mrs. S. We had a good start from our week in the Caribbean in February, so the color is just popping right back out.

The boy child is always tan. I'm pretty certain that he is part Mexican or something. So it takes nothing for his tan to come out.

The poor girl child though... she just doesn't have any pigment in her skin or something. I feel so bad for her. She thinks nobody at school is going to believe that she went to Florida for Spring Break. I suggested we take a picture of her on the beach holding today's newspaper. She didn't get it. Kids!

I am developing some sort of Federal regulation that would equate a square inches of bathing suit to total body weight ratio. For every 10 pounds of weight, you have to have so many square inches of material in your bathing suit. There could be some factors for age and BMI, etc.

This would totally help cut down on people wearing inappropriate bathing suits for their body size. I have seen to many people wearing skimpy bathing suits, that should really not be wearing them. I can't imagine what bizzarro world they are living in where they can walk out their door thinking they look good... or even acceptable. People don't need to see that!

We brought down some Trivial Pursuit questions with us to the beach. We were just randomly asking questions. I think the family now knows that when they call me a know-it-all, that I actually DO know it ALL. There is no denying my superior knowledge of useless crap optional information. I like to know crap.

Take for instance my current book. It's one of those books the family calls "one of those books." It's a nonfiction book about the history of Manhattan (the New York City island Manhattan, that is). I just love knowing the history and how it has grown and changed. It is really making me ready for our annual trip to NYC. I love that city!

That's about all I have. Too many drinks to concentrate. I am ready to go continue vacating! Vacationing? Yeah, that's it.

Stickman out!
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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Coulda Stayed Up North For This Crap

Vacation Blog: Day 4. File this under the "weather sucks" category. Here we sit in beautiful, sunny Florida. A high today of 59. Winds of 25mph. least the sun IS out.

Sitting inside looking out the windows at the beach, it looks beautiful. Open the slider and step out on the balcony, completely different story. It is freezing!

We have been inside all day playing video games and reading books. I could have stayed home for this crap. Our big plan for the day is to go see a movie. On vacation!

Last night we walked down to this new outdoor mall they have here. We had some dinner at a Honkey Tonk Bar. Not the place to go for pleasant conversation. A live band was playing way too loud for my taste. You had to yell at the top of your lungs for the waitress to hear your order. They could have dropped the decibel level about 15 points, and then it would have been on the edge of tolerable. Oh my, I really sound like an old fart, don't I? That's not cool.

We wondered the mall as girl child was searching for a new bathing suit. Women bathing suit shopping has got to be one of the worst experiences in history. We go in this one shop that brags it has 40,000 bathing suits, or something like that. That is way too many choices. We were in there forever. We finally leave, and she didn't find anything. We spent half of our vacation in that store, with 40,000 bathing suits, and she didn't find ANYTHING?!? I told her that I found 5 bathing suits that I could have bought without trying on in the first 60 seconds in the door. "It's different for girls," she says. "I know... it's a lot easier because of all the choices. You should have found 20 bathing suits in the first 60 seconds." Then I get "the look."

I'm still on her shit list from another comment last night. We were in a store that sells a bunch of the t-shirts with sayings on them. There was one that said, "If you think I'm a BITCH, you should meet my daughter." I told boy child that I was going to get that for his mom. Of course, he has a big mouth, he goes and tells the girls. Oh boy, girl child wasn't pleased. This morning she tells me she is still mad at me about it. So I told her the fact that she is STILL mad about, only proves my point! Right?

Looks like the weather is supposed to me much better the rest of the week. Hopefully we will be able to enjoy some calm, warm, relaxing days on the beach. God I hope so. Until then, we'll just keep the snowsuits on and try to stay warm!

Stickman out!
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Monday, April 6, 2009

Perverts and The Sandman

Inside taking a break from the wind. It is so unbelievably windy out there. If we would have set out there and not moved for half an hour, we would have been buried by the blowing sand. I have sand in places that I didn't even know I had places. I had so much sand in my butt crack that the friction from walking back up to the condo formed a pearl!

I kept thinking about the guy from Spiderman. The Sandman I think he name was. That's who I feel like. Here he is:

The most disturbing thing on the trip so far is the number of perverts - both young and old - that seem to be here. I am totally used to guys checking out my wife everywhere I go. It has become a part of life. Even though she will never believe admit it, she gets checked out all the time. She's so hot.

The really disturbing thing this year, however, is the number of guys that are checking out the girl child. It's just not right! I have decided that I will be finding her a very large moomoo dress that she can wear the rest of our time here. And to up the protection level, I am going to screen print "I'm 14" very large on the front and back. If that doesn't get these dirty old men to stop looking at her, then I don't know what will. It's just ridiculous.

We got Boy Child a new skim board last night and he is totally geeked. He picked up skim boarding about 5 years ago, but he has been growing nonstop so we never could justify buying him the professional type skim board. This year he has reached the biggest one they make, so we got it for him. He thinks he is just badass now. Although, once after a couple of falls, he came up by us on the beach and said he "needed to rest his ego." Good one.

I actually helped his ego earlier though. He has a thing for standing as if he has been stricken with scoliosis. So, Mrs. S is always telling him to stand up straight. She told him that earlier and he stood up very proper and rather queer looking. I said to him, "She said stand up straight, not stand up gay." That put him in his place!

OK....back out the face the sand pelting up against me like a 1,000 tiny spears. I feel like I am living Gulliver's Travels.

Stickman Out!
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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Weather Sucks - But I'm Still Hilarious

This will be a short post, so that I do not become a "vacation ruiner." Not that we can really be out at the beach today because it is extremely overcast with scattered thunderstorms eminent.

We had a good time last night, although we had some pretty loud spring breakers around. And not all of them are kids. We got in the hot tub last night, and we were the only people in there. We timed it by watching from our balcony for it to clear out, and then running down the stairs to hurry up and claim it. But as soon as we got there, these really loud, annoying redneck types came and crashed on us. Figures.

I have been very funny on this trip - as always. Here is a list of some of the funny things I have said since we got here:

1. Boy child was commenting on how hairy his toes are getting. I said, "Yeah. It's like you are wearing a toepee." Instead of toupee. God that's funny.

2. We were taking a walk down the beach along the edge of the water. I picked up a broken shell, held it to my ear, and said, "Wow. I can hear the ocean."

3. I made up a great joke. I said to Mrs. S, "Do you like pee-n-ya-coladas?" She said yes. I laughed. She said what. I said, "You like pee in your coladas. That's gross." She said "that's dumb." I said, "huh!" So then she has me do the joke on boy child. He also thought it was dumb. So I told them that dumb jokes are my specialty. It's what I'm famous for. So Mrs. S calls everyone together for a family meeting to decide on a new specialty for me. The group consensus came in that I should be a mime. I informed them that they were mean, and that I am rather proud of being the funniest person on the planet and that they can't change me.

4. When we woke up this morning someone had written the word "PENIS" on the beach in big letters. Mrs. S pointed it out to me. I said, "I know. I wrote that down there for you. It stands for Pretty, Exciting, Nice, Intelligent, and Sexy." Great cheese, right? She says, "Actually, I wrote that for you. It means Particular, Egostical, Nerdy, Insecure, and Stupid." I guess I deserved that one.

Get you more tommorrow. Stickman Out!
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Saturday, April 4, 2009

Road Trip With The Ones You Love

We have arrived in beautiful sunny partly sunny Florida. The trip went great. Pretty uneventful, but with my crazy brood, always entertaining. We made it safely, and with no major mishaps.

I have to say, GPS is one of the greatest inventions of all time. Not so much because it tells you when to turn and how far to go, and all of that - but because it has this little spot on the screen that tells you your estimated arrival time. It is the long awaited answer to "are we there yet?" It is absolutely wonderful to not have to keep answering that question.

The downside of GPS is that it shows exactly how fast you are going, also. So there is no more placing your arm in a way to block the speedometer so that the wife can't see it. Oh, well. I actually didn't drive that much on the trip anyway. Mrs. S drove most of the trip.

The boy child drove a bit as well. One of the best moments of the trip occured as he was driving. I was in the passengers seat, and Mrs. S was in the back. We were bickering about something like a couple of school childrent, and the boy says "don't make me turn this car around!" It was priceless.

Girl child played her part in making the trip interesting as well. Unfortunately, her part involved letting some of the nastiest smelling farts I have ever experienced. Who know that something so rank could come out of a 14 year old girl. It smelled like a mixture of month old baby formula and peanut butter. (Sorry that this is two posts in a roll dealing with flatulance.)

We were treated to many excellent serenades by Mrs. S. She really knows how to put on a show. It was, as always, a very special treat to listen to her sing to me. She was singing me a song, and I told her how grateful I was for her because I didn't have a life before her. She says, "Yeah you were a real loser."

I once again was mocked - as I am on every roadtrip - because I have told the family about how when I was a kid, you could stop at a state's Welcome Center, and they would give you free pop in little Dixie cups with infomormation about the state printed on it. They don't believe me. So they always mock me that we should stop for free pop. Does anybody else out there remember when they used to do that? I know I'm not crazy.

This morning as we were finishing up the trip, we had kept hearing radio commercials for something called the Rattlesnake Rodeo. Apparently they have snake races and snake shows, and who knows what else. We had stopped at a gas station to do the business, and as Mrs. S was waiting for the bathroom, some two-toothed redneck woman asked her if she was heading to the rodeo. We laughed so hard that someone would look at her and think - yeah, definitely the rattlesnake rodeo type.

I was also losing my voice a bit this morning, so I made mention of it. Mrs. S says, "what was that? Did I just hear the answer to my prayers?" Really? Really? I'm not that bad!

I'm glad we made it. I just gotta say thank god for laptops and dvd players and ipods. I don't know how our parents did it back in the day. All we had to do was play the stupid "find the letter game." to do some more vacay breaky breaking. Stickman Out!
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Friday, April 3, 2009

Vacay Breakie Break - Oh Yeah!

The day has finally arrived.  We are taking off at around 11am today for our Spring Break trip.  It couldn't have come a moment too soon!

The timing couldn't have been more perfect.  It appears that our house - according to Mrs. Stickman - will be uninhabitable for at least a week.  This has something to do with a strange, yet foul, odor that has been wafting out of our upstairs bathroom since last night.  Apparently - and I have no firsthand knowledge of this - the pungent odor supposedly has something to do with me and/or my butt.

As we were laying in bed last night, and Mrs. Stickman was still smelling this figment of her imagination, she kept giving me a dirty look.  I'm not sure why.

We were watching Hell's Kitchen, and Gordan Ramsey was calling some lady a "fat, stupid f-ing cow."  I asked Mrs. S if she would still love me if I talked to her like that.  She said, "Yes.  I would be so proud of you."  I will translate that for you here now - "I would divorce you tomorrow."

Then I asked her if I were to fart right then in bed, would she still love me.  She said, "I would divorce you tomorrow."  I will translate that for you here now - "I would divorce you tomorrow."  Of course, she claimed she was only saying this in the hopes that I would indeed NOT fart.  Women!

So we are doing a road trip to Florida again this year.  We've been trying different spots the last few years, but decided to do Florida again this year.  It is normally about a 16 hour drive, but I am planning on it taking much longer this year.  We plan to let the boy child make good use of his driver's permit, and do some of the driving.  God help us!

The thing with his driving is that he will be setting the cruise control for 1 mile UNDER the speed limit.  Why, you ask?  I quote - "because one mile under is safe, but one mile over is breaking the law."  

He knows how I am all about "making good time" so he warned me that it might take longer.  I told him I had accounted for that, and that is why I only booked the condo in Florida for 2 nights.  He, surprisingly, didn't find me funny at all.  About the same response I got when I told him that when he pulls into traffic, he needs to go a little faster than 10 miles per decade.

I will attempt to post every day while I am on vacation.  A special Spring Break Edition of the musings.  I'll try to rub it in how warm it is, and how nice the beach is, and how good the drinks are.  You'll love it!  That is of course, if I'm not killed in a horrible car wreck on the way there.

Stickman out - of town!!

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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Laugh At Me Till You Cry - I Don't Care

It is always my goal in life to make Mrs. Stickman laugh.  There is nothing better than her laughing, and I love it when I can make it happen.  However, it seems that she laughs at me the most when it is something that I don't intend to do.  (Don't tell her, but I really do all of those goofy things on purpose.)

It seems that most of these things happen at night when we are laying in bed watching TV.  There are few nights in bed that we don't get a case of the giggles, like a couple of little school girls.  And, honestly most of the time they are at my expense.  Mostly, just because I would NEVER laugh at her expense.  That would just be rude.  I can't even imagine that.  

One of the things that gets us going the most is that for some reason when I'm laying in bed and something funny happens on TV, I will laugh, but that laugh will somehow turn into a snort.  Like a wild hog has somehow snuck into our bedroom and let out a scream.  This happened again last night, and like every other time, I think Mrs. Stickman laughed until she cried.

The night before that, again in bed, we were saw a commercial for the new Prince CD.  So we were talking about listening to Prince, and I started singing "When Doves Fly."  Now, in my defense, it only took me about 5 seconds to catch that the stupid song is actually "When Doves Cry" - but, I'll be damned if Mrs. S didn't laugh at me for about a half an hour.

I do have a history of missing some of the words in songs.  The one that I have heard about for about four years now is the Paula Abdul song "Cold Hearted."  I was convinced - and still am - that the words to that song are - or should be - "he's a cold hearted sailor, look into his eyes...."  Apparently, the word is actually "snake" - not "sailor."  I think that's dumb.  Everybody knows that sailors are cold hearted.

If you really want to get my family laughing until they cry, all you have to do is mention the time I fell down the stairs.  That's right, I almost die, and they think it's the funniest thing in the world.

It was a weekday morning in the summer.  It so happened, that the wife and I were the only two home that morning.  Thank God!  She had gotten up and gone into the bathroom.  I got up, grabbed my water glass, which was still 2/3 full (or 1/3 empty if you are that kind of person) and headed for the steps to go downstairs and get coffee going (because I'm a good husband like that).

So I hit the top step, and I'm not exactly sure what happened here, but the next thing I know I'm sliding down the stairs on my back.  In reality, it probably took 10 seconds to get to the bottom, but while it was happening it seemed like 1o minutes.  As I'm sliding down I manage to hang on to the water cup.  With each bump from the next step, water splashes out of the cup, all over me, the steps, and the wall. 

As, I am falling, all I can think in my mind is, "at least this is quiet so she won't hear it."  Turns out it wasn't so quiet.  As I am laying mangled, bloody (some bad carpet burn on my back), and soaking wet at the bottom of the stairs, Mrs. S appears at the top,  looking down at me. I give her credit, she had the sense to ask me if I was OK before she laughed as hard as she has ever laughed in her life.  

It was instantly dubbed "the best morning ever!"  And for the next 6 months she wouldn't let me walk down the stairs without her being there to watch so she wouldn't miss another fall.

As I've said before, the schadenfreude is strong in her.  But man, her own husband?  Especially her own husband!  Yet, in the words of Kelly Clarkson, my life would suck without her.

Stickman out!

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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I Pity The April Fools

I am channeling the great character actor Mr. T today.  I genuinely feel pity for people who believe anything that anyone says today.  April Fools!  I don't feel sorry for those gullible morons in the least bit!

Everyone can fall prey to these little jokes, however.  This morning, we were discussing how on April Fools days of yore, the kids would to tell Mrs. Stickman that Grandma was at the door.  And she would go to the door, and surprise surprise no Grandma - and they would laugh and laugh.  

Luckily, she never fell for it when they would tell her there was an elephant in the driveway.  Apparently she does have a limit to her gullibility.

This morning, I decided to stop at the grocery store and pick up a couple of empty doughnut boxes.  I brought them in and set them on the counter where we typically put our "special treats."  All morning people have stopped to open the box.  I have heard "who ate all the doughnuts already", "why are there empty doughnut boxes here", and a few intelligent people that actually said, "is this a joke?"

I am now debating going out at lunch time and getting some empty pizza boxes to bring in and put in the break room.  See if they are all dumb enough to fall for it twice!  Hehe!

I have yet to come up with a good one to get the kids, but before I get home tonight I will definitely think of something.  They fall for anything!  

Last year when we were on vacation on the East Coast, I had the girl child convinced that there was a 27 minute time change between home and our house!  She totally believed it.  I don't know what they teach these kids in school these days, but obviously not Time Zones!

Perhaps I'll tell them that something came up and we have to cancel our Spring Break vacation that we are leaving for in 2 days.  That should really bum them out.  They are dying to get away from the cold weather.  I can probably get them for at least 5 minutes before one of them thinks of April Fools.

I tell them so much crap that they have an ingrained filter to not believe what I tell them.  Yet, my delivery is so good, and I look so serious, that they always end up falling for it.  

Unless, of course, it is something so outlandish that they know it isn't true.  Like when I told the boy that I was an original member of The Red Hot Chili Peppers.  I went by the name of Tick, so when I quit they replaced me with a guy named Flea.  He wasn't buying that one.

I hope all of you aren't being suckers today.  So far I haven't been fooled, but I'm sure as Mrs. Stickman is reading this she will try to come up with something.  But I'm no fool.  I pity the fools!

Stickman out!

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