Friday, May 29, 2009

If You Can Spell Kayva Shivashankar You Win The Spelling Bee

I don't know when our world became so boring that they had to start broadcasting the Scripps National Spelling Bee in prime time, but apparently it has happened.  Last night the bee was aired on ABC, in which it finished in the ratings behind reruns of crime dramas.  Can you spell SUCK?

Here is what I think happened.  Somebody at ABC said, "You know I saw that Broadway play 'The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee' and it was a pretty good show.  Laughed my ass off.  We should put a spelling bee on TV!" And this is what they come up with, thinking it will be a real winner.   Can you spell NOT?

And even more shocking is the fact the the preliminary rounds of the spelling bee were broadcast on ESPN.  I had no idea that spelling was a sport!  I could have been my high school's biggest athletic superstar if I had known this.  I could have lettered in letters!  Can you spell UNCOORDINATED?

I did not watch this monstrosity; however, I saw some clips on the news this morning.  Apparently the thing was won by a 13 year old girl, making her 4th appearance at the event.  She has finished in the top 10 each time.  Can you spell NERD?

The girl's name was Kayva Shivashankar.  If you ask me, she had an unfair advantage from the start.  One of the first things you learn how to spell is your name, right?  If she had to learn to spell that mess of a name first thing, every other word had to be easy after that!  Can you spell ALIEN?

She managed to win it all on the word laodicean.  A word that sums up the way I - and apparently most television viewers -  feel about the spelling bee.  Webster defines it as "lukewarm or indifferent."  Can you spell BORING?

I also don't understand why they can't just spell the damn words.  But no!  First they have to ask five meaningless questions, and then play Helen Keller and spell the words into their hands, and then ask the same five meaningless questions, and THEN they spell it.  Can you spell LONG?

I was pleased to see that my favorite word was included in one of the earlier rounds.  Can you spell SCHADENFREUDE?

In summary, it would be a lot easier contest if you only had to spell BEE.  Stickman out!

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Embarrassing Kids - Summer Edition

A while back I wrote a very well received piece on how to embarrass your children.  It was just a collection of some of the things that I like to do when I'm around my kids in order to embarrass them in front of their friends and/or perfect strangers.  

With summer coming on strong, and the kids and their friends being around the house a lot more, I have been thinking about all of the things that I can do to amp up the embarrassment a bit.  Here is a list of my ideas, some are proven from past use, and some are mere concepts that I'm working on.

Here they are:
Inappropriate Swimwear.  I can think of nothing that would get them better than me wearing a speedo out by the pool (or at the beach) when their friends are over.  This could really be amped up with the addition of specially placed socks.

Outrageous Singing.  This was on the original list, but is great for summer.  We always have music playing when we're out by the pool.  Plus we can drive with the windows down and really sing so other cars at stop lights can hear.  Just the other day Mrs. S did a wonderful operatic rendition of a Beastie Boys song.

Hot Tub Intervention.  Whenever the kids and their friends are in the hot tub, it is always fun to cram yourself in with them.  It ruins all of their fun, and they can't have their normal conversations.  It can make for some very awkward and embarrassing situations.

Force Feed Kids.  We have had instances where we have prepared food that the kids have had a  friend that didn't like it.  It's fun to make the kid feel really, really bad about not eating any.  I like to go on and on about how much my feelings are hurt that they won't eat my macaroni salad, or whatever it is.  And then I will keep mentioning it every few minutes, and then every time they come over after that.

Sexy Talk.  It's always a good time to talk about how hot Mrs. Stickman is in front of the kids.  This works really well in the summer when she is in a bathing suit all the time.  While sitting around the table eating, I will mention something about how great her breasts look in her bathing suit, or something along those lines.  This one works with just our kids the best.

Catch Phrases.  I always enjoy yelling ridiculous catch phrases, or just dumb things, every time that I jump in the pool.  These range from "cowabunga" to "I'm going to get you water" to "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."  The more out there they are the better.

Overzealous Badminton.  We usually set up a badminton net in the backyard, and have a good time playing it.  I really like to get super serious about it, as if I were in the Olympics.  I have this phenomenal overhand serve that I like to do, very similar to a tennis pro serve.  Everyone thinks I am insane.

Announce Changing.  In the summer, we go to the beach often.  It always seems that one of the kids ends up changing in the car for some reason or another.  When they do this, I like to stand by the car and yell, "Naked boy in this car!"  Or "Naked girl over here!"  It really gets them to change a lot faster!

These are just some of the many things that you can do to embarrass your kids as you are out and about this summer.  Of course all of the original ways to embarrass them still apply as well!

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

You're A Tool, But I Like You

I am the kind of guy with the mindset of "why do anything yourself when you could pay someone else to do it?"  I am not really a "handyman" type of guy.  Sure, I have hands, and yes I am a man, but my hands are more suited to work on keyboards and remote controls, not the rough and tumble work of the true "handyman."

Last night Mrs. Stickman made me I decided to do some yard work.   I was going to trim back some bushes, but was having a very hard time since our old hedge trimmers have never been sharpened, thereby making them quite dull.  I would have had a better chance of cutting these branches with a pair of kindergarten scissors.  It was awful!

After about 15 minutes of a pathetic attempt to cut the bushes by both Mrs. S and myself, our neighbor came walking over with some electric hedge trimmers.  I guess after 15 minutes of laughing at us through his front window, he decided he would help a brother out.  The electric hedge trimmers made the job of trimming the bushes quick, but it made the job of being a friendly neighbor take forever!

We had to sit out on the porch chatting it up all neighborly like for another hour after the work was done.  And we got eaten up by the damn mosquitos.  I got itchy bumps all over me.  So I don't know if it was worth it to use the convenient tool, even though it was a lot faster to trim the bush.

Have you been having a hard time not giggling every time I said "trim the bush?"  Mrs. Stickman and I may be the most immature people on the planet, but we always have to laugh when we hear something like that.  Whether it's "get it off" or "wood" or whatever, we can't help but laugh.  I love it!

Over the weekend we had some people over for swimming and we had a fire going in the firepit.  My brother-in-law and I made jokes about "wood" all night long.  It was phenomenal!

OK...I'm going to get off now.  See!  Hehe!

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Memorial Memories

I find it interesting how some people are so into making family memories that they force the family to do all of these things that no one really wants to do, and the only memory it creates is the memory of being bored or annoyed with the memory making process.

True family memories are ones that just happen.  Like one time we were in Arizona with the kids and my niece and nephew, and we were going to go see the Red Rocks at Sedona.  I kind of missed the turn, so I checked the map and saw another road that cut across to Sedona, so I took that exit and we we off.

A half mile on the road, the pavement ended and we were on a dirt road.  We continued on this road for a while.  It wound around and seemed to become more and more rough as we went.  The white minivan that we had rented was now a nice red color from the sand.

As we drove, the only other signs of humanity that we saw were groups of tourists that were out on the site-seeing tours that you could book with a guide driving a jeep or a hummer.  Oh my, the looks that we got from all of those people!!

We finally reached a spot where there was an amazing overlook of the red rocks.  It was a  phenomenal view up there.  We got out and took some pictures.  After our photo time, we looked at the road as it continued.  From that point on, it was a one lane road with a rock wall on one side, and a huge cliff drop off on the other.  Mrs. Stickman decided it would be best if we turned around at that point.

Everyone on that trip remembers that off-road experience, and talk about it more than the Grand Canyon, which we had just come from.  It was an accidental memory that is worth remembering far more that the forced memories that people attempt.

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Reason #1,432,394 That I Refuse To Shop At Walmart

Of all the stores in the world, none has become more associated with Redneck and/or WT (white trash) people than "The Walmart" has.  Sometimes, after you haven't been in one of their stores for a decade or so, you begin to think that this is just some kind of stereotype, and Walmart is actually filled with thousands of perfectly normal people.  

Then, something like this story comes along, and instantly reminds you that it's not just a stereotype, and you should never cross the threshold of those automatic doors and be greeted by an old person in a blue vest again.

Memphis police are searching for a shoplifting suspect who used a tiny baby as a weapon against a security guard during an escape attempt Wednesday.

The incident happened early Wednesday afternoon at Wal-Mart on Austin Peay in Raleigh, where police say a woman was caught shoplifting. While attempting to escape, the woman hurled her two-month old nephew at a security guard. The infant, seated in a carrier, fell onto the concrete floor.

The suspect then threw the baby at a good samaritan who tried to tend to the infant.

The suspect ran from the store and escaped in a blue Ford Escort, abandoning the baby and his mother, who was in the women's restroom during the incident.

The child's mother tended to him as the infant was treated in the back of an ambulance.

Child abuse investigators are working with the infant's family to locate the suspect.

Officials said the baby will be okay. Neither the loss prevention officer nor the good samaritan were seriously injured.

All requests for comment from Wal-Mart management were referred to the retailer's corporate office.

Really?  Who are these people?  I mean, really?!?!  Who throws a baby?  And who uses a baby as a weapon?  That is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

I'm don't want to be one to stereotype, or cast judgement.... hell, who am I kidding, that is exactly what I want to do!  Seriously though, here are some facts that my investigation uncovered.
  • The baby's mother was in the bathroom because she was putting on layers of stolen clothes under her own clothes.  
  • The carrier the infant was seated in still had a price tag on it.
  • The blue Ford Escort belonged to the old lady greeter.
  • Loads of drugs were later found missing from the ambulance.
I ask it again - who are these people?  Find the answer at a Walmart near you!

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A Love Poem In Five Verses

To Love A Woman
by Stickman

To love a woman
Is to lose one's mind
For one with cognitive thought
Could never be so blind

Love sees no fault
Of this I can be certain
All reason is contained
Locked behind an iron curtain

They say that love can hurt
And this I can't deny
If someone tells you different
You've caught them in a lie

Sure, love has it's pleasures
But if you take those joys away
It may not feel like ecstasy
But true love's what will stay

If you should ever be so lucky
To find one to cause such pain
You'll have never been so happy
To have completely gone insane

I was bored at lunch yesterday, so I decided to write a love poem for Mrs. Stickman.  This is what I ended up with.  I guess I'm just crazy in love.  I hope you enjoyed it.

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Some Days I Hate My Job

Everyone hates their job sometimes.  Hell, some people hate their jobs ALL the time.  Most days, I am alright with my job, and some days I even find it very rewarding and enjoyable.  But then, there are those days - like today - when I just want to stand up, put both of my middle fingers at full mast, and walk out the door to never look back.

I work in advertising and marketing, for those of you that don't know.  This is great, except for the fact that everybody thinks they are a master at advertising and marketing.  And there are some things that I do that every department in the company (practically) has to have a say in.  And sometimes, none of these people can agree on anything.

This "design by consensus" theory does not work.  And yet, no one wants to give up their control.  I don't know why they can't all just believe that I know what is best.  It seems so obvious to me.  Why did I design this page this way, you ask?  Because it is the best way to do it!!  Couldn't we change this to {insert retarded suggestion here}, you ask?  Sure, we could, if you want this piece to SUCK!

The worst part is how everyone feels they need to come to me to tell me how bad all the other people's ideas suck, and then , of course, drop in that theirs are great ideas.  So instead of spending my time completely redoing me design until it doesn't even resemble the original, I have to spend my whole day listening to people bitch.  That ranks on my fun scale about as high as putting my wiener in a meat grinder.

And then, to top it all off.  Certain people, like the CEO, decide to wait until I am uploading the files to the printers - 2 hours after the deadline - to decide that they also better have a look and make sure everything is kosher.  And then, these ego-inflated individuals determine that there is not nearly enough in the piece to support their ego, and, therefore, we must ad quotes in which they can pontificate on their awesomeness.  Because that is really going to help sales.

So, in summary:  People are stupid.  I'm a genius.  Just go with it.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy and Stickman

Sunday night we watched a Saturday Night Live special that showed a bunch of their best "shorts."  Throughout this show they aired a bunch of the old Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy thingies.  Oh, my goodness... I had forgotten how frickin hilarious those things were.  

When I was younger, I used to LOVE the deep thoughts.  They were always so out there and so bizarre.  The fact that they made no sense is what made them so great.  I oft aspired to be as odd as Jack Handy.  Sometime I achieve this oddity, and sometimes I fail.  I seem to have the odd thing going pretty well, it's the making it funny part that I lack!

I dug around and found some of my favorite Deep Thoughts, and I present them to you here:

"The beaver was probably the last thing God ever invented, because after He made it, He just said 'It don't get no better 'n that.'  (Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, God is a hillbilly.)"
"A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend like you got bit by a snake.  Then, start an argument with him about who's going to go get help.  A lot of times guys will start crying.  That's why it makes you feel good when you finally tell them it was just a joke."
"If you go to a Martian funeral, I think it's okay to snicker and laugh a little bit, because come on, the guy was a Martian."
"When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him.  But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, well, now wonder you're a bum, look at the dumb things you bought."
"Instead of a regular arm, Carl had been born with a pigeon's wing.  The odd thing was, all through his life, no one had ever laughed at his wing -- not even the mean kids at school.  Then one day he realized why:  He looked in the mirror and saw that he was a pigeon!  He shit right there, as he often did, wherever he was."

There are a million of them, and I don't care who you, they are funny!  I highly encourage you to check out the site.

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Monday, May 18, 2009

Angels And Demons And Half Ton Boys, Oh My!

Yesterday afternoon, as soon as I decide to go and get my left over Greek Salad (it's the best from this pizza place around the corner!), Mrs. Stickman decides to turn the TV to some show called Half Ton Teen.  Looking at this grotesque pile of lard obese boy, I couldn't help but bereminded of Pizza the Hut from the movie Spaceballs, or Jabba the Hut from Star Wars.

I promise you that this was the last thing that I needed to watch while I was eating.  If I took all of the things that have ever been on television and ranked them in order of things I would like to watch while eating my leftover Greek Salad from the place around the corner (which is delicious), this show would be tied for last with Paula Abdul's comeback performance on American Idol, finishing one below a video of me diving into a wood chipper.

I decided that she put this show on to torture me as payback for my having called her a demon just a few hours before this.  I'm not sure what the problem was, it was preceded with "I love you."  She asked me what I said, and I changed the demon to darlin'.  And she said, "Oh, I thought you said demon."  Hehehehe.   But it was so good, that I had to come clean and tell her the truth.

I had demons on the brain because I had just gone to see Angels & Demons.  My review:  It wasn't nearly as good as the book, but it was better than the Da Vinci Code movie.  It had a lot faster pace that that movie, so it was much less boring to watch.  Plus it had Tom Hanks in a Speedo, so who wouldn't want to see that right?  In fact, that finished just above a video of myself diving into a wood chipper on my must see TV list.

On my drive home from the movie, I was thinking that if that movie were to describe my house in would be Angel & Demons, since there is only one angel.  And we all know who that is.  Mrs. Stickman, of course.  She must be an angel, she's always up in the air harping about something!  Not really, I am the only angel.  A fallen angel perhaps, but still an angel.


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Friday, May 15, 2009

Fantasy Friday - Where Dreams Come True!

As I sit here eating some peanut M&M's that a coworker so graciously shared with the office, I am reminded that little Tattoo from the old TV show Fantasy Island was not a fan of this particular type of candy coated chocolate candies.  Oh, no!  Everyone knows that he liked "Da plain, da plain!"

I remember back in the day, everyone wanted to go to Fantasy Island.  All kinds of cool stuff would happen to people while on that island with that midget little person and Khan from the old Star Trek movie, dressed to the nines in their pimping white suits.  I always wanted my dreams to come true.  

It turns out that today is the anniversary of the day that my dreams did come true.  It was on this day in history that I met Mrs. Stickman.  Oh, what a day!  When I met her, her legs were tired because she had been running through my mind all day.  And she was a little disheveled, haven just fallen from heaven and all.  And I'm pretty sure she had a mirror in her pocket for some reason, cause I could sure see myself in her pants - where "in her pants" doesn't mean wearing them so much as it means other less gay/drag queen and more heterosexual things.

Mrs. Stickman thinks it odd that I make such a big deal out of this anniversary.  She accused me this morning of making a bigger deal out of this day than our wedding anniversary.  I tried to explain that if we hadn't met, then we wouldn't have wed.  Most likely.  Cause it would have just been odd to marry someone I've never met.  Although, in this case, it would have worked out fine!

Sure, it's true Mrs. S doesn't always do what I want.  Like last night I was grilling and I wanted a damn beer.  So I say, "Woman, get me a damn beer."  Did she get it?  Nope.  She rambled on with something about asking nicely.  So I say, "Bitch, please."  Did she get it then?  Nope.  But, you see, it's OK, because I still love her and find her to be completely perfect.

Have a great Fantasy Friday everybody.  May all your dreams come true!  Unless you dream of killing me, or having me never speak again, or something dumb like that (that's for you Mrs. S).

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Leprechaun's For (Or Against) Obama!

I am so over hearing about President Barack Obama speaking (or not speaking) at the Notre Dame commencement ceremony.  Is this really a controversy that needs to keep going on and on?  I think not.  Yet, there are some really angry leptrechauns!

I have co-workers that are all aghast about it.  "How dare Obama accept the invitation?  He's so arrogant."  "What is he thinking going to a Catholic school when he is for abortion?"  Blah blah blah! I see their lips moving, but all I hear is "I'm a pigheaded moron, I'm a pigheaded moron..."

I'm pretty sure that he didn't call up Notre Dame and ASK if he could come do the commencement speech.  He was INVITED.  Notre Dame is a good school, and why wouldn't he accept their invitation?

One person here said in the same breath, "How could he think Catholics would want him there?  He carried the Catholic vote in the election."  It seems to me that would mean the Catholics like him then, so it makes sense that he would accept their invitation.  It appears that morons can't even agree with themselves.

Now, apparently, there are going to be "peaceful protests" on the day of the speech.  I don't know how long they can stay peaceful, what - with all of Obama's lucky charm.  Those leprechaun's will all be after him!  I know they're always after my lucky charms.  They should watch themselves though, or he may turn into "The Rock Obama!"

I just don't see what the big deal is.  I'm guessing the folks at Notre Dame that invited him didn't see what the big deal would be either.  Those poor bastards.  Bet they're wishing they would have never extended the invitation.  You can't really take back an invite to the President now can you?

I can't wait until about two weeks after it's done, and then maybe the pundits from both sides will be done going on and on about it.  It never ceases to amaze me how one thing can happen and two sides can get such a completely different opinion of what happened.  Some things will never change.

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Bird Shit, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump

We have some kind of renegade bird around our house that we believe has fallen in love with its own reflection in a mirror that hangs on our porch.  Apparently, the damn bird gets so excited looking at himself that he can't control his bowels.  Therefore, we end up with a good portion of our porch, including a rocking chair, that is completely covered in bird shit!

I can't even begin to tell you how much bird crap is out there.  I don't know how a bird could eat enough to crap that much.  Even with my irritable bowel syndrome and love of spicy food, I couldn't produce that much crap.  I could eat a whole pan of Ex-lax brownies, and then I might come close.

Typically in today's America, if someone makes that big of a mess, when the shit hits the fan and splatters everything, then that person has to apologize to the American people.  We are a very apologetic society.  And the worst thing about it, is that you know the people don't mean it when they apologize.

For instance, Joe Biden is always apologizing for something he said.  He single-handedly brings down the airline and public transportation industries because he said he wouldn't have his family travel on them during the "Swine Flu Scare of 09."  And he had to apologize.  

A guy writes an article where he makes a "joke/illustration" in which Nancy Pelosi gets shot.  He has to apologize.  Wanda Sykes makes jokes about Rush Limbaugh being a terrorist and having kidney failure.  She has to apologize.  Obama laughs at said joke, HE has to apologize.

It's getting to the point where as soon as you say anything in this country, it has to immediately be followed by "I'm sorry."  Kinda like me at home with Mrs. Stickman!  Not really.  I'm sorry.  Just kidding.  Not about being sorry, but about having to say it.  I'm sorry.  It's out of control!

The "apology scandal" that won't go away is this stupid Ms. California crap.  Does this really need to keep going on.  She bashes gays.  People bash her.  She may lose her crown.  She may not.  Who cares!

If your whole situation can be remedied with a pardon from Donald Trump, then your problem isn't that bad.  It's like a never ending episode of The Apprentice.  And how sad is it that the whole Ms. America franchise has become so reduced that it all falls on the whims of The Donald.  

Maybe the bird is sorry for crapping all over my porch.  Maybe it was an accident.  Or maybe it is a terrorist.  Either way, if I see it I am going to shoot it.

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Will Trade Computer For Stone Tablet And Chisel

I don't know what the H E double hockey sticks is going on with my computer today, but it is really, really pissing me off.  I hate computers.  They are stupid, stupid machines.  There is no way that they could ever be smart enough to go all Matrix on us.

It's pretty rare when I experience these problems - as I work on the trouble free Mac platform (Hi, I'm a Mac).  Maybe it's the instance of Windows that I run though a Citrix terminal services application.  Perhaps it is slowly taking over the Mac's brain - very much like the new Stephanie Meyers thriller, The Host.  As far as I'm concerned, PC stands for Piece of Crap.

It's amazing how we just become a more and more impatient society.  Computers just keep getting faster and faster, yet they still never seem fast enough.  Same with internet connections.  It's all so retarded.  And by retarded I mean that it is slow, not mentally disabled.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings here.  Except for my computer's.  I want to hurt it's everything.

In protest to my stupid computer and it's stupid slowness today, I am going to now have 10 lines of silence.

There....that will teach this stupid machine to mess with a human.  Maybe I just have something like the Forrest Gump of computers or something.  Seriously, I think I saw my computer arrive for work on the short bus this morning.  It was the one licking the window.

I will now use the Word of the Day from my desktop widget in a sentence.  I have an odium for my computer today.

I guess I'll attempt to publish this post.  That is, if my ignoramous computer will cooperate.  Thanks for listening to my rant.

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Monday, May 11, 2009

Slap The Wife For Spending Too Much Money

A Saudi judge recently told a conference on domestic violence that a man has the right to slap a wife who spends money wastefully.  He also added that women were as much to blame as men for increased spousal abuse.

That will teach those Saudi women to go buying all those fancy designer burkas.  Or frivolously spending the family's hard earned money on rice.  Apparently some Saudi women were upset about these remarks, but then the judge slapped those bitches down.  Took care of that problem.  Besides, they asked for it, so it's really their fault that they got slapped.

Perhaps, if we had some kind of system like that in place in the United States, then we wouldn't be in this economic downturn.  Just think if someone would have been there to slap every person that got a subprime mortgage.  

A ballooning ARM mortgage?  SLAAAAAAAP!!  What's that, you are running up your credit card debt?  SLAAAAAAP!!!  You're cashing in your 401K to go on vacation.  SLAAAAAAAP!!!

We would have never gotten in to this credit crunch.  We'd be in a completely different situation.

Don't worry about these Saudi women, though.  Apparently it is forbidden in Islam to beat a women on her face, no matter what she does.  It doesn't say anything about kicking the shit out of  any other part of their body though.  So, maybe they aren't too safe.

I can only imagine if I said something like that to Mrs. Stickman.  She'd show me what a good slap is!  Oh crap.  I just realized she is going to read all of this.  I was just kidding, baby!  Ha ha!  Good one, me!

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Friday, May 8, 2009

God Just Called - He Said You're a Bunch of Douchebags

Super-Christians strike again. In the name of the Lord they are willing to prevent a high school senior from graduating because he is considering the ultimate sin, the unpardonable offense, the epitome of blasphemy - going to the prom with his girlfriend! Scandalous!

Apparently, this ridiculous, uber-Christian school in Ohio is threatening to suspend a senior if he goes with his girlfriend to here public school's prom. It appears that he can't go to the prom because, according to the school handbook, rock music "is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people's hearts and minds."

I would assume then that the same rule would prevent him from eating at his local TGI Friday's, or any other chain restaurant. Also, he would not be able to walk through nearly any store in existence. And he surely would not be able to ever watch TV or see a movie.

The pompous principal had his to say, "In life, we constantly make decisions whether we are going to please self or please God. (The student) chose one path, and the school committee chose the other." Please God? As in - please God strike this asswipe dead right now - maybe.

I born and raised in a pastor's house. And there were certain things I couldn't do growing up, like go to movies (we were told that they only make the G movies as a trick to raise money to make the bad movies - I assumed porn). And that sucked. But still, I didn't have it as bad as these poor kids. We were pretty free to do what we wanted.

The whole thing boils down to this... What is the chick from the public school doing dating a dork from the uptight Christian school? What kind of loser is this girl?

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An Original Work of Fart

Have I ever mentioned here on the old blog how I get no respect.  I'm pretty sure that I have, but I'm guessing no one respected me enough to listen to it.  So I say it again - I get no respect!!!  I make Rodney Dangerfield seem like the Pope, that's how bad it is.

Last night Mrs. Stickman, girl child, and myself were in the vehicle heading to the mall.  We were on a quest to locate a dress for girl child to wear to her middle school graduation in a few weeks.  I know, fun, right?  

So we are driving along, and I ask a simple question to the members of the females species.  I say, "Have I told you guys how awesome I am yet today?"      I'm telling you, that line went over like a Paula Abdul comeback performance.  

Finally, Mrs. S says, "I don't even know what to say to that."  I don't know what the big deal was, I was just checking so that I could tell them, in case I hadn't.  It seemed only fair that they knew.

Shortly thereafter, girl child began one of her cheers that she likes to do in an attempt to mock me.  She began, "My name is Stickman, and I'm not awesome..."  

So I say to her, "There you go again wishing you were me.  It's just not going to happen.  I'm one of a kind" (Mrs. S said "thank god" at that point) "You can dream of being me, but it's not possible because I am an original work of art."

"More like an original work of fart," says Mrs. S.  WHAT?!?!  Have I mentioned that I love this woman?

Once we were at the mall, I was being very helpful and picking out lots of dresses.  I was very careful to only pick out the ugliest dresses there.  I was hoping to be sent away so I could go to a movie.  It didn't work, but I did get to go and read at Barnes & Noble while they finished shopping, which didn't take too long.  

After we went to dinner where I was mocked and disrespected more, and stopped at a shoe store where I picked out some very nice shoes to go with the dress (hehe..they were funny), we went home and the dress was modeled for me.  It looked very nice.

Mrs. S said we should get a simple necklace to go with it.  I suggested we get a very large necklace that would cover up the entire front of her.  The dress was a bit revealing, and I must admit I felt like a bit of a pervert even looking at her in it!!  

She's growing up too fast!!  I will be spending my weekend sharpening all of my knives and loading all my guns to make sure that no guy even dreams of coming close to her.  I may make a request to the principal that all boys - and men - at graduation have to wear blindfolds.  That could work.

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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Polar Plunging My Big Self Cannonball Style

The Stickman household pool is officially open for the season!  There is nothing better than removing the ugly winter cover from the pool and revealing the beautiful blue water underneath, and then covering the beautiful blue water with the blue solar cover that is still much more beautiful than the ugly green winter cover.  

It just feels much warmer, and much more like summer to look out the windows and see the pool.  I could just sit out on the deck and stare at it.  Which I know is slightly retarded, since it's not exactly the ocean or anything, but still, it just feels good, so leave me alone about it already.

So every year, once the pool is swimmable, I yell through the house, "last one in the pool is a rotten egg!!!!!"  This creates a mass hysteria as the kids and I scramble to our rooms for our bathing suits, quickly change, and rush outside to jump in the pool.

Now, let me tell you, the pool is usually somewhere around 55 degrees when this happens.  So it is pretty quick plunge.  Last year, I swear girl child was in and out of that pool so fast that she didn't even get wet.  I am also nearly positive that I saw boy child walk on water to avoid going under.  

The entire neighborhood is well aware of when we open our pool.  First, they hear me yell something like "kowabunga!!!!"  Then, they hear a huge splash from my perfectly executed cannonball.  Then, this is followed by the highest pitched, girliest scream that you could ever imagine echoing through the streets of our subdivision.

Of course we go straight from the arctic pool directly into the boiling hot tub, shocking our systems beyond relief.  But eventually we are able to breath again.  And then we wait about two more weeks for the pool water to heat up before we swim again.  It's quite a tradition.

Of course, Mrs. Stickman wants nothing to do with jumping into these cold waters.  What a spoiled sport, party pooper!  Or she is the only smart one in the house.  But it won't be long until she moves outside for the summer.  The only thing you can get her to go inside for is the bathroom.  And even that she usually does in the pool!  Just kidding!  She's going to kill me for that!!

Three cheers for warm weather!!  I love it.

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Does Keifer Sutherland Think He Really Is Jack Bauer?

I think the fine line between fiction and reality is starting to have an effect on Keifer Sutherland.  It appears that he may actually be starting to believe that he really is Jack Bauer.  Which, in reality, means that he is starting to believe that he is really ME, since Jack Bauer is based on me.

It appears from this article that Keifer/Jack was at the afterparty of some other party, and went all Bauer on some guy that interrupted him when he was talking to Brook Shields.  Now, I understand that it is rude to interrupt someone, but is a head-butt really necessary?  Really?!? By the way, does anyone else think the word head-butt is as funny as I do?

I told you to NEVER interrupt me when I'm hobnobbing.

Apparently when the guy interrupted his conversation, Keifer/Jack performed some kind of "high school wrestling move" - which he probably learned on the set of 24 - and then followed that with the head-butt.  This sounds really tough and badass, right?  

Not after you find out that the guy he did it to is a fashion designer.  Anyone could have done this to a fashion designer.  Those guys are all so gay!  Trust me... I watch Project Runway with Mrs. Stickman, and I have never seen a straight guy on there.

I'm thinking that maybe this has something to do with Jack's exposure to the biological weapon on this seasons of 24.  It might be messing with his brain or something.  Amping up his aggression.  Or maybe he is just retarded.

All I know is that I am not very happy that the guy they have playing me on TV is out there doing stuff like this.  It might reflect badly on me!

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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Undisclosed Names On Britain "Banned List" Revealed

Britain's Home Secretary (very much like our Secretary of State, but much more down to earth sounding don't you think?) has recently released a list of people that they have decided not to let into their country.  A sort of "least wanted" list if you will.

It seems that all you have to do to make the list is be extreme about something - or hate someone, or some group of people.  The banned people include jew haters, black haters, gay haters, and apparently Democrat haters - conservative radio host Michael Savage made the list.

However, there were six people that made the list that were excluded from public naming because it would not be "in the public interest" according to British officials.  But, you, as a reader of Stickman Musings will be the first to hear who these six people are, and the reason for their ban, thanks to the amazing investigative reportings of the Stickman (really just by my CIA connections).  Here they are:

Barack Obama.  First a cheap DVD set for the Prime Minister, and then an iPod for the Queen.  You and your cheap-ass, tacky gifts can stay the hell out of our country.

Michelle Obama.  You touched the Queen for crying out loud!  That's just not cricket!

Matt Damon.  Jason Bourne is just far too much of a threat to James Bond.  And we're close to banning Jack Bauer, too!

Shuan White.  We don't like extremists of any type, and you are the poster child for extreme sports.  Plus you always beat us in the Olympics.

Susan Boyle.  If we can get her to leave, we are not letting her back in.  We're as sick of her as the rest of the world.

Michael Jackson.  Uhmm...about all those concerts that you have planned here to try to get yourself out of debt - yeah, that's not going to happen.  We just don't want to - pardon the pun - expose our young boys to you.  Not gonna happen.

So there you have it - the complete list.  Please don't tell anyone where you saw it - then I'd have to kill you.

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Monday, May 4, 2009

That's A Great Story, But I Can Do You One Better

If there is one thing that I can not stand in this world, it is people that feel the need to always tell a story better than the last one told.  What kind of extreme inferiority complex do these people suffer from that they can't under any circumstances live in a world where someone else has experienced, seen, ate, attended or done anything that may be cooler than something in their life.

I have a standing rule that when I discover a person like this, I just quit telling stories around them.  I hate pissing matches.  I hate the "one-up" mentality.  And I hate insecure people that always have to try to prove they are better than you.

There is one guy at my work that is just the worst at this.  Here's a hypothetical scenario:

A-Hole:  Hey, Stickman.  What did you do this weekend?

Me:  Well, the President flew in and picked me up on Air Force One, and we flew to Scotland to play golf with Tiger Woods on the first golf course ever created.

A-Hole:  That's nice.  One time I went with all 4 of the living Presidents on the space shuttle Endeavor and we spent a whole week playing golf on the moon.

Me:  Wow.  You really are a lot cooler than me.  I wish I was you.

There is just no way to top a guy that will make up anything to sound cool.  No matter what your story is, there is some strain of fiction out there that can top it.

And then there is that really special strain of narcissist that will realize when he is beat, so instead of creating an obviously ridiculous story, they decide that the will just make it sound like your story wasn't really that great - and they would never be caught dead doing what you did.

The same guy at my office often does this, too.  Here is a scenario:

A-Hole:  Hey, Stickman.  What did you do this weekend?

Me:  Well, the President flew in and picked me up on Air Force One, and we flew to Scotland to play golf with Tiger Woods at the Turnberry Golf Club, the most famous course in the country that invented golf.

A-Hole:  That seems like a big waste of taxpayer money to fly that plane just for that.  That's worse than the photo op thing in  New York.

Me:  Well, I had a good time.  And it's a sweet plane.

A-Hole:  I don't see how you could have had fun with that President.  He's ruining our country, the commie bastard.

Me:  The President is the President.  If you agree with his politics or not, it's still an honor.

A-Hole: But it's so cold in Scotland this time of year.  And the courses are too hilly.  I much rather prefer playing at the local redneck golf course.  It so much more relaxed.  I hate uppity courses.  Of course I've played at Pebble Beach and all of them because I had to, but I like the small local courses better.

Me:  Yeah you are probably right.  But no matter what course, or what plane, or what President, it was still nice to play a round of golf with Tiger.

A-Hole:  Would have been better if it was Arnold Palmer.  Now that would be worth going someplace for.  Tiger is too much hype.

Me:  You're right.  It was a pretty crappy weekend over all.

People can be so annoying.  I wish I had laser eyes and I could evaporate anyone that said something I don't like at any time.  Life would be good!

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