Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My Petition For Custody Of Michael Jackson's Kids

As everyone is aware, there is going to be some major legal moves in attempts to gain custody of The Gloved One's children.  Already, yesterday, his mother has filed a petition to the court for custody.  

I would guess that we will see more people wanting custody in the next few weeks.  This is going to make the whole Anna Nicole Smith baby thing seem tame!

Since trying to get custody of Michael Jackson's kids seems to be the "thing to do" in Hollywood these days, I figure I'd throw my hat (just like MJ) into the ring.  Here are the key reasons for my argument to the court:

1.  I'm not a Jackson.  I've got that going for me.  By not being a member of that family I am at least 4 times more sane than any of those choices.

2.  I have a whole collection of Halloween masks and blankets.  I am fully prepared to hide the kids faces from any paparazzi that may appear.  Which brings me to my next point. . .

3.  No paparazzi in my town.  My little Midwest town is not known for celebrities, and therefore we are pretty much paparazzi free.  Perhaps this will help give the kids a chance at normality.

4.  I look relatively normal.  It might be a nice switch for the kids to have a parent that wasn't a bit odd looking.  Perhaps someone with a full nose, and someone who doesn't have an extra butt crack on their chin.  I've got that covered.

5.  No high railings in my house.  This eliminates any option for dangling kids over the rail.  Safety first is the motto at the Stickman home.

These are just five of the points in my 100 page document.  I don't want to reveal too much until the proceedings are complete.  No way am I letting any of you other Michael-Jackson's- Kid's-Parents-Wanna-Be's steal any of my genius ideas.

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Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson - An 8 Year Old's Take

If you aren't aware that Michael Jackson has passed away, that makes you the only person in the civilized world.  How's it feel being the only retard that doesn't know?  Hell, even retards know!  What a loser you are!

Wait...I guess you didn't say that you weren't aware of it.  My apologies for over reacting.

So the King of Pop has died at a relatively young age.  Much like the King of Rock-n-Roll did.  Is there a King of Rap?  King of Hip Hop?  King of Gospel?  If so, did these people die young?  If you know, please tell me.

After my 8 and 9 year old nephews found out that Michael Jackson died last night, the 8 year old said this to the 9 year old:

"It's too bad that MJ died.  I didn't know a lot about him.  I only knew three things:  
He sang good. 
He had a lot of concerts.  
He looked like a girl."

Could anyone have summed it up any better?  I was pretty impressed with his breakdown.  And the MJ abbreviation was his own!

It really is pretty sad that Jackson died.  Even though there was a sigh of relief from 12 year old boys across the country, the overall response seems to be one of sadness.

I was really looking forward to his big comeback, and was even hoping the get a chance to see him if he toured the US.  I was convinced that he was going to start playing Vegas after London.

I did come up with a conspiracy theory last night while watching the news coverage.  It goes like this... He had his doctor (who just happened to be there - right?) help him with an assisted suicide.  He was nervous about these concerts coming up, and he didn't want to go out there and fail and be remembered that way.  So his only way out of them was to die.  And die a legend.

That's my thoughts.  For what they are worth.  Which isn't much, as anyone who has read this blog is fully aware!

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

It Must Suck Being God

I don't think that I would want God's job.  It seems like it would be difficult, and very annoying.  I can't imagine having to listen to everybody's prayers.  I bet 90% of our prayers are just selfish wishes.

Do you think God really cares who wins the local little league baseball game?  And yet He (I will always use the He pronoun instead of She to make typing easier.  Please don't send me your feminist hate mail!) has 12 kids on each team, 2 coaches, and 60 parents or family members all praying for their team to win.  Do you think he actually has to choose who wins each game, or is he capable of leaving some things to chance?

Image how God must feel when the guy who just snorted cocaine gets pulled aside for random drug testing at work and starts praying that he doesn't get fired.  What do you do with that one?  Or when the lady that just cheated on her husband prays that she doesn't get pregnant?  Or when someone just really really doesn't want a Republican to be elected President?  How could God not answer that prayer?

I think if I was God there would be a lot more floods to wipe the Earth clean for a fresh start.  Or I'd just explode the Sun and move on to one of the other billions of planets and try again.

I imagine that God has to have a pretty sarcastic sense of humor.  How could he not?  I can just picture him thinking, "Really?!?!  You just stuck your arm in that vending machine trying to steel a candy bar, and now you want me to get your arm unstuck so that you don't get in trouble?  Maybe I'm the one that made your arm stick to teach you a lesson.  Ever think of that?  Asshole!"

That's right.  I don't think God is as frail as some Christians like to think he is.  I don't think he blushes when you swear.  I think he's a fan of sex.  And sometimes he just likes to screw with us.  Who do you think invented Murphy's Law? Some guy named Murphy?  Hell no, it was God.  Ironically he also invented the Murphy Bed.  Don't know what his obsession with Murphy is.

So the lesson is, don't pray to God for the stupid stuff.  Save it for the big stuff.  That way he won't learn to tune you out.  Don't waste all your yes answers on things like "please let Taco Bell still be open", "please let me get an aisle seat at the movies", or "don't let that fart smell, please."  Save them for more important things like "please don't let me lose anymore hair", "don't let me die", and "please let me win the lottery."

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Terrible Tuesdays - Another Special Edition

What is it with Tuesdays that make them so terrible?  So many bad things going on in the world.  Here is my list of terrible things this Tuesday:

Ed McMahon dies.  The Tonight Show sidekick is dead?  This is terrible on so many fronts.   Who the hell is going to say "Heeeeeere's Johnny!" now?  Or, "you sir are correct!"  And I think this means there is a pretty good chance that he is never going to show up on my doorstep with a check for a million dollars now.  Crap!  I've been waiting for years.  At least he doesn't have to worry about his house getting foreclosed on now.

Jon & Kate divorce.  What?!?  Really?!?  If you are anything like me, and absolutely love celebrity gossip, then I'm sure you have been very annoyed with all the tabloid coverage of Jon & Kate's marital problems.  Because - spoiler alert - they are NOT celebrities.  They are so annoying.  Especially her.  I would like to give her a new hairstyle using nothing more than a frying pan.  I wish instead of a divorce they would have announced a murder/suicide pact.

Iran elects - or doesn't.  I knew that Iran was behind the United States in a lot of things, including election processes, but I didn't know that it was just 8.5 years behind us.  Iran's election is taking longer to decide that the old Bush/Gore debacle.  Except instead of counting hanging chads, they are actually hanging guys that may or may not be named chad.  I love how they claim there is no way it could be fraud because the margin was so wide.  Apparently they only cheat enough to get by - don't want to overdo it!

Heat rises.  It's so hot everywhere.  Global warming rocks.  Miami has hottest day in over 60 years.  Obama has to move his press conference due to humidity.  Mrs. Stickman and girl child cancelled their trip to the beach today because it was too hot.  Perez Hilton is hotter than he's ever been, because he got beat up by a guy he called a faggot (I'd be mad too), and then his own GLAAD gets MAAD (I don't know what that means exactly).  What's with all this heat?

Hopefully, this with be the last Terrible Tuesdays, but I wouldn't count it.  The world is going to hell in a handbasket.  It's just going to get terribler and terribler (channeling Charles Barkley).  At least it's only bad on Tuesdays.  The rest of the time the world rocks!

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Friday, June 19, 2009

Ladies & Gentlemen, This Is Your Captain Speaking - I'm Dead!

Did you hear about the pilot that died on his transatlantic flight into Newark?  No, that's not the beginning of a joke, with a great punch line like "he was trying to get to the other side."  It's a true story!

This pilot on a Continental Airlines flight just up and died in the middle of the flight.  Everybody says he was in great health beforehand. (Obviously he wasn't in good health afterward) They even thought he had just fallen asleep - where "fallen asleep" means passed out drunk like pilots normally do.

Here's what I can't decide though...if I were on that plane, would I want to know the pilot died?  Sure I know there are able co-pilots, and the plane practically flies itself.  I'm not concerned about crashing or dying.  It's more the fact that I'm sharing the plane with a dead guy!  Gross!

Apparently, they made an announcement asking if there was a doctor on board, which there was, and he tried to revive the guy.  Imagine being the guy trying to revive the guy flying the plane!  At least they didn't ask if there was a pilot on board.  That would have really frightened the people on board!

I guess before my next flight I will take an emergency medical course, as well as get my pilot's license.   Better safe than sorry!

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Aren't Video Games Were For Lazy People?

Remember the good old days when they blamed video games for being the reason kids were lazy and fat?  Kids weren't getting exercise because they spent all day in the house playing these video games.  They did have some killer thumb muscles though!

I'm here to tell you that the lazy video games era is over.  Every since we got the Wii, playing video games has become a tiring ordeal.  I did manage to figure out how to play most of the games sitting down.  The only one I really had to get up for was Smack Down, which I described in my Smack Down the Kids post. 

Of course the laziest of Wii games that we have is Tetris.  Mrs. Stickman and I can sit our lazy butts on the couch and play this game for hours.  By which I mean, if she is winning we can play for hours.  If I am winning, she usually gets angry at me and quits after about a half hour.  Learn more about that at my Tetris! Tetris! Tetris! post!

Now the whole point of this post (only 4 paragraphs in - not bad!) is that Mrs Stickman went out and bought this new Wii game called Wii Active.  This game is basically like a personal trainer.  It comes with resistance bands and things you hook up to your legs so it can tell how fast you are running, etc.  All kinds of things that involve lots of physical activity.  

Basically if you take one of those stress test that doctors make you do if they think you might have a heart attack or something, where they hook up a bunch of cords to you and make you run on a treadmill for 5 days straight, and then you turn that into a video game - that's Wii Active.  I can hardly wait.  Right?

The first thing I asked Mrs. Stickman was if I could go online and download a Wii Active cheat code that I could enter into the Wii system that would make me instantly be in shape.  She said that kind of defeated the purpose.  I disagree.

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Terrible Tuesdays

Here are some things that I think are terrible today:
Fan Vandalism.  I will never understand why when some city's team wins a championship, the people of that city celebrate by destroying said city.  WTF?  If you are so proud of your city and it's team, why would you destroy it?  Shouldn't it be the losing team's city that gets destroyed.  Get with the program Los Angeles rioters!

Michelle Obama Worship.  She's the first lady, and that's a big deal.  I give you that.  She's very smart, and she performs her duties wonderfully.  But why is the media trying so hard to turn her into the next Jackie O.  Is Michelle Obama's fashion really that spectacular?  I don't see it.  She's kinda oversized in an Amazon sort of way.  And shut up about the arms already, OK people?

Sensitive Public Figures.  Someone please explain to me why David Letterman had to apologize to Sarah Palin.  I mean - really?!?  The guy is a late night comedian.  He tells jokes.  And damn funny jokes if you ask me.  The bit about A-Rod and Palin's daughter was hilarious.  And everyone knows he didn't mean the 14 year old one, but the one that goes around getting knocked up.  If he has to apologize to Palin, shouldn't he also have to apologize to A-Rod.  I mean he's the one that committed rape in the joke.  He's the one that should be mad.  And yet, apparently he has a sense of humor - or at least better things to do with his life that make a spectacle of his anger.  Get over yourself already, Sarah.  We have.

Loss of Anonymity.  I enjoy my anonymity here on Stickman Musings.  Yet, it appears that if challenged in a court of law my blogger anonymity would be lost.  That's not cool.  I'm going to have to take back all the mean things I say about people.  I don't want to get sued for libel.  Or plagiarism.  Or lack of funny.  I'm outraged!
The day isn't completely terrible though.  Part of it is terrific!  I have been awarded this Tuesday's Terrific T-shirt by Mom over at Life...Exagerated.  Each week she finds a blog headline that would make a great T-shirt.  My post with the headline of P.S. I Love You, Jackass was awarded this week's shirt.  Thanks, Mom!

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Friday, June 12, 2009

My TV Don't Work - Why Didn't Someone Tell Me There Was A Change Coming!

According to surveys, there are over 2 million people that are not ready for the switch to digital television today.  Since these people have a TV, and obviously a telephone to answer a survey call, I am guessing they do not live in a cave, or in the deep woods, or in some other sort of a social bubble. 

If this is the case, then they must have heard about this switch, right?  They had to have seen one of the millions of commercials that have been airing for the past year.  They must have at some point been annoyed by the crawls and messages taking up the lower third of their screen as they watched TV in the past 6 months.

In February - when the switch was originally supposed to happen - there were about 4 million morons that hadn't figured it out yet.  So the brilliant government says, "let's push it back 4 months and give everyone more time since we only announced this 10 years ago - it was a bit of short notice."  And there wasn't a sane person in the country that didn't know we would get to this day and still have millions not ready.

This evening, in trailer parks and retirement communities all around the country, people will be adding rolls and rolls of aluminum foil to their rabbit ears, unable to figure out why all they are able to watch is static.  Men will kick the TV, throw the remote, and cry out to God, "why has thou forsaken me!"

With over 2 million less people watching TV, and thus not seeing commercials, and immediately going out to buy the products advertised, the economy is going to crash.  I know, you're thinking that people just fast forward through commercials now anyway, right?  But think about it - these people can't even get a digital converter box after all this time, you really think they are tech savvy enough for Tivo?  On the other hand, they obviously didn't see all the commercials about the digital switch, so they probably aren't really paying attention to the other commercials either.

We live in a world of morons!  Stickman out!

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Jeans Lead To Sexual Harrassment

Colleges in India have begun to ban female students from wearing jeans.  Apparently those Indian guys go nuts over denim and just can't keep themselves from raping girls that wear jeans.  What's a slumdog to do?

An article about the Indian college ban on jeans for females says the schools will expel girls that wear jeans or other western clothes.  It continues to say that it is the only way to stop crime against women.  REALLY?!?!  The only way?  I believe that Mrs. Stickman would say that it IS a crime against women to not let them wear jeans!

The funniest thing about the article is the fact that in India they call sexual harassment "Eve-teasing."  That doesn't sound nearly as bad does it.  "I know I made an inappropriate sexual comment, but I was just Eve-teasing, it's not like I was harassing or anything."

I wonder if they also have Adam-teasing?  It would seem only fair.  And what do they call it if it is gay harassing?  Serpant-teasing?  More like Trouser Snake-teasing!  (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)

Maybe they could just make them wear mom jeans?  Or have them all gain 100 pounds and wear low-rise jeans so that the fat rolls over the top of them?  Now those would most definitely put an end to sexual harassment!  Cause, gross!  

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

American Idol's Shocking Confession

In a shocking statement reverberating the world over, American Idol contestant Adam Lambert has publicly stepped out of the closet.  And now it is an easy guess as to what he was doing in the closet in the first place.  Perhaps he and Gay Gaiken were exchanging Idol makeup tips?

"I don't think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I'm gay," Lambert said.  How's that for the understatement of the century.  I'd love to meat the person who heard it and thought, "Really?!?  I didn't see that one coming at all."

A while back I wrote about the gayest Spiderman ever that involved Adam Lambert.  He didn't fool me with his feigned heterosexuality!  My gadar was beeping at full strength.  I was on to his ways.

So Adam Lambert is gay.  What's next?  Someone's going to tell me that Barack Obama is black?  Or that the pope is Catholic?

As always, I follow this whole post up with - Not that there's anything wrong with that!

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Monday, June 8, 2009

Garage Sales Are Retarded

What is it with people that are obsessed with garage sales?  I don't even want my own junk, so why would I want someone else's?  And yet, there are these people - of which I have family members - that are just way into going and rummaging through people's crap.

I can't handle it myself.  I don't do well in rummage stores, second hand stores, antique stores, vintage clothing stores, used book stores, or anything like that.  The smell in those places just makes my stomach turn.  I don't know what it is about it, maybe I just picture dead people touching all of it.  Yuck!

I'm on this garage sale hatred kick because this weekend Mrs. Stickman decided that we would go to my in-law's neighborhood sale day and help out.  Also, we contributed about a gazillion dollars worth of kids clothes that have been slowly taking over the storage area in our basement, since we have been putting off giving them to charity.  Of course, we sold this gazillion dollars worth of clothes for approximately $43.  Not quite a good deal for us.

I will say that a garage sale offers lots of opportunity to see some pretty freaky people.  So that is always good.  About as fun as a trip to Walmart in the freak department.  So there was that to offer entertainment and enjoyment for all.

As the saying goes... one man's junk is another man's treasure.  Also, one man's pain is another man's pleasure.  It's different strokes for different folks.  At least that's the way I've been told it goes.  I think I just wrote a country song!

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Friday, June 5, 2009

Wipeout! If You Aren't Watching It Yet - Start Now!

I often talk on this blog about schadenfreude since it is the word that best describes my life.  There is nothing better than laughing at people as misfortune besets them.  Mrs. Stickan and I are always looking for people to laugh at, and let me tell you we never have to look very hard.

Last year, we discovered a little summer show on ABC called Wipeout.  If you haven't seen this show yet, I must insist that you watch it as soon as humanly possible.  The basic idea of the show is that the get people, mostly odd people, to run these obstacle courses with funny obstacles.

There is nothing funnier on television.  From about 30 minutes before the show starts, until it is over, Mrs. Stickman is just giddy.  She claps.  She laughs.  She cries.  It's better that Cats.

Here is a clip from this season of Wipeout.  This shows an obstacle called the HURTles.

If you enjoy mocking others, having a good laugh, and a fun time for the whole family, then Wipeout is for you.  We Tivo and watch it 3 or 4 times a week.  It just never gets old.  

The commentators make it that much better.  They are quite snide, sarcastic, and hilarious.  It's just all around quality television.  Watch it!

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Thursday, June 4, 2009

Damn Kids Grow Up So Fast

So here it is the last day of school.  Two hours from now, we will officially have two high schoolers in our household.  I can't even believe that crap!  Kinda makes a guy feel old - even though I am definitely NOT!

Last night was the big 8th Grade Recognition (NOT graduation, as I kept being reminded over and over again).  It was quite the shindig.  All the girls get all gussied up.  And they borrow their mom's high heels, giving Mrs. Stickman and I a great chance to mock them all as they try to walk across the gym in them.  Needless to say, this convinced girl child to wear a nice pair of sensible flat sandals.

While the girls were  all dressed up (I think a few of them shopped at the local stripper store), the boys were a different story.  A few had on suits, most had on shorts and polo shirts, and one brave (or poor) soul had on a pair of basketball shorts and a tshirt.  And while we did mock him, we felt a little bad about it - just a little though.

After a nice little award ceremony, and the world's longest "memory" video (I swear we watched their whole middle school careers back in real time), everyone gathered in the cafeteria for refreshments and one million photo opportunities.  Girl child said she did not want me to take the pictures because I "always make her look stupid in pictures."  To which I replied, "It's not my fault you always look stupid."

School is out at noon today, and at approximately 1pm our house will be bombarded by gaggles of kids.  Boy child and girl child are both having end of the year pool parties.  At the same time!  So while it is nice that I will leave work early to go home to help chaperone, it will be quite chaotic.  And chaperone's are necessary since one adult will have to be out by the pool, and the other one will have to roam the house doing random "hand checks" to make sure all hands are kept to home.  These are all high schoolers after all!

This will, however, give me a perfect chance to practice some of my new ways to embarrass the kids.  And I will probably be able to pull out some of the original ways to embarrass the kids too!

I'm just glad it's summer.  Life is always easier in the summer.  No school.  No homework to help with.  Much more laid back time.   And I like laid back.

Stickman out! 

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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Why Do I Like The Things That I Like?

Do you ever find yourself liking something - a movie, a TV show, a song - that, if you stop to think about it, really makes you hate yourself for liking it?  For instance, should a grown man really find himself enjoying a Miley Cyrus song?  Or, is there any reason that a mature, macho dude should get agitated if he misses an episode of Real Housewives of New York City?

Like for instance, sometimes I get very agitated with myself for not particularly liking to watch sports on TV.  This causes major problems for me when in a social setting where I must make conversation with regular guys.  The best thing I've got to talk about is poker.  After that I'm stuck with giving a weather forecast - partly cloudy with a chance of rain, by the way.

Since I'm not all into the stuff "normal" guys are into - cars, sports, talking derogatorily about women, I often describe myself as half gay.  The half that likes shopping, and fruity drinks, and celebrity gossip, not the half that likes having sex with guys.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  I just don't particularly find anything appealing about another man.  Maybe I'm a lesbian?

This whole thought process came about because I kept getting that new stupid Miley Cyrus song stuck in my head.  So I say to Mrs. S, "I hate to admit this, but I think I actually like that new Miley Cyrus song."  To which she replies, "The fact that you just admitted to it is worse than the fact that you like it."  And I think she kind of has a point.  I hate when that happens.

In my defense, I have been enjoying this year's NHL hockey playoffs.  That's something, right?  Can't get much more manly than hockey.  So there's that - even if New Kids On The Block is my all time favorite band.

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Monday, June 1, 2009

The Haunting Husband

The other night as we were laying in bed, Mrs. Stickman was being her typical self and mocking the bejesus out of me.  In an effort to make her feel bad, I told her that I would be dying that night, and that she should be nice to me while she still had a chance.  Of course, she felt that since it would be her last chance to mock me, she should really take advantage of it.

Fast forward to the following morning.  I get up and go into bathroom, and Mrs. S says, "looks like you didn't die last night."  To which I reply, "Yes I did.  I'm a ghost now.  I have returned to haunt you."  She wasn't even sad that I died.

So this whole weekend whenever she would be mean to me, or mock me, or whatever, I would start talking in this high vibrato voice like a ghost.  And I would say, "OOOOOOOHH....You're going to miss me when I'm gone" or "you should have been nice to me when you had a chance" or other random things.

Of course, as much as I tried, this had no guilt effect on her at all.  She would only mock me more for "pretending" to be a ghost, and tell me that I was "weird" or "a two year old" or "not normal."  Whatever all those things mean.  I told her that she was the one that was weird because she was seeing and talking to a ghost.

I sure hope that if I ever do die, I am able to come back and haunt her for real.  But in a good way.  In the way that reminds her that she can't ever love anybody as much as she loves me, so  she therefore should not try at all.  

And if I was a ghost that was "haunting" her, then we could do fun things together like make pottery.  I understand from the movies that that is something that ghosts and their alive lovers like to do.  Makes sense I guess.

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