Monday, October 12, 2009

Locking Up Girl Child For 20 Years

This past weekend was the big Homecoming dance at the local high school. Having two kids in high school, it was of course bound to be a big night at our household.

Luckily, this year, Boy Child decided to just go with a group of friends, and didn't really have "a date." So that was EASY. However, Girl Child insisted on going to the dance with her douchebag boyfriend. (For the record, he is not really a douchebag and is really a great kid, but since he is dating my daughter I feel that I am obligated to dislike him.)

Since we are the coolest parents in the world, of course all of the kids and their friends insisted on coming to our house for the picture fest and pre-dinner activities. I might also add that this fact created quite a hissy fit with one particularly bitchy mom that really wanted them all to go to her house. Jealous much?

I am happy to say that my daughter did not look like a slut. I did my part in helping to select a dress that was minimal on cleavage and maximum on straps, however I fell short in the down to the ankles requirement. As a result, I spent about two weeks trying to convince her to wear a pair of sweatpants under the dress.

I spend most of my time around her boyfriend trying to defend her virginity. They really love it when I use the word "deflower" every other sentence. Or maybe they don't love it. I always forget which it is.

Anyway, after seeing her looking so grown up and with a little punks arm around her and hand on her waste, I have decided that she will be locked up and the key will be thrown away for at least the next 20 years. We can re-evaluate after that.

Damn kids! Stickman out!

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Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Poem For National Poetry Day

In honor of National Poetry Day, I have composed the following poem:

Oh, National Poetry Day
You are such a good time
You are the best day of the year
To only speak in rhyme

Some may think that poems are gay
But others like them fine
Many are so elegantly written
None of those are mine

There are many rhymes I like to say
Like nana nana boo boo
Or liar liar pants on fire
Really any childish taunt will do

National Poetry Day rocks
Only one thing is not quite right
I find it to be a shame indeed
That you share the day with World Sight

Poetry is a delicious fruit
Like a round, juicy orange
So I celebrate you with great joy
And nothing rhymes with orange

Everyone have a great National Poetry Day! Is there a Hallmark card for that? Hmmmm.

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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Fall Can Bite Me!

The Fall Season has arrived with a bang. Actually its more like a blow. My goodness, is it not possible to talk about the seasons without innuendo?

What I am trying to say is that Fall has arrived in a serious way with a lot of wind and a lot of cold. Summer has disappeared like the fleeting fame of a reality TV star.

While I have a couple reasons for liking Fall, I mostly hate it. There are so many reasons to hate Fall. Especially if you live in the Midwest.

As I prepare to type the two things I like about fall, I realize that both reasons are pretty gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). The first is, of course, LAYERING. Nothing beats a jacket over a sweatshirt over a shirt over an undershirt. Am I right? The second thing that is sometimes appealing about fall is the cool colors on the trees.

At least those are the things that some gay people I know tell me is awesome about Fall. Now here are all the crappy things about it.

It is a lot of damn work. You have to winterize the pool. You have to winterize the spinklers. You have to winterize the house. You have to winterize the yard. You have to put all the outdoor crap away. Work work work work work.

Also, all the damn leaves falling all over everything is not appealing in the least bit. Especially when they all start dying and turning brown and ugly.

But the biggest thing that sucks about Fall is that Summer is over and Winter is coming. And oooooohhh do I HATE winter. Hate it with a passion. If I never saw snow again, I would be a happy man.

So Fall....Bite me! Stickman out!

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Thursday, October 1, 2009

Are Puppies Humor Suckers?

I swear that every since devil dog entered our home, I have been completely sucked dry of every ounce of funny that I may have ever had. It's true that the amount of humor I actually have has been debated widely, with responses ranging from "none at all ever" from Mrs. Stickman to "funniest frickin' bastard to ever live" from me.

I think the act of dog ownership (or puppy ownership, at least) is so physically and emotionally exhausting that there is just no energy left for funny generation. Sure the dog does funny, humorous things sometimes, but mostly it just barks and pisses. We keep telling ourselves it is going to get better, that we are just in the puppy training phase before the years of dog enjoyment. Yet, it just seems to get worse!

I have never in my life hated and loved something so much at the same time. And the worst part is, I knew this would happen. I knew that the dog would piss me off beyond belief and I would want to get rid of it (or kill it), and yet at the same time I would love it so much that I would not be able to bear the thought of it not being part of my life any more.

Damn dog.

So as I sit and remember a time when I had no dog but lots of funny, I am saddened. Yet I am joyful that the little fur-ball from hell has joined our home. Oh life, why must thou be full of enigmas?

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Monday, September 28, 2009

Smiley-A-Thon: 20 Smileys Buys My Humor-Blogs Membership

OK. OK. I know that I haven't written on my blog in like FOREVER, but I have become so infatuated with Twitter (follow me) and my ability to write short little blips, that the thought of sitting to write a lengthy blog has sent my head into a spiral the size of a Wizard of Oz tornado.

However, I do know that there is no place like home. And this blog is the true home for all those crazy thoughts that swirl around in my head and demand to be made known to the general public in a completely anonymous way.

Also, I know that most of my regular readers come from Humor-Blogs, which is the absolute best site for humor blogs on the internets/world wide super info highway web thing. And since I haven't seen any news reports that Humor-Blogs has now been valued at $1 Billion without having any way to turn any sort of profit, I understand that Mr. Diesel must subsidize his outlays.

Therefore, I have decided that if the Humor-Blogs community truly loves me and wants to have my blog stick around on the site, then I would like each and every one of you to give me a Smiley for this post.

One Smiley = One Dollar

So all I need is 20 Smileys in order to buy my membership to the site. Truth be told, I will most likely buy it anyway, but for the love of God people let me feel like you WANT me to do it.

With that, I bid you ado and happy smiling. Stickman out!

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

Interpretive Dance Health Coverage

Today, as I have been pondering the potential reform in our current healthcare system in the United States, while at the same time, pondering my love for interpretive dance, it goes with out saying that the obvious question came to mind. Will our new public healthcare system cover injuries incurred while performing interpretive dance?

I, for one, believe that these injuries should be covered. It only seems fair that my healthcare plan should not stand in the way of my choreographing of some of the finest dance routines to ever be performed. I should not have to worry about going bankrupt due to an unfortunate interpretive dance accident. How could I ever be truly free to move if I had that fear in my head the whole time.

Say, for instance that I am really getting into my amazing hand motions for the current Green Day single, "21 Guns" when I begin to feel the onset of carpel tunnel. I should know that I am free to continue the shooting of my finger pistol, and once the routine has been completed I can go to the emergency room and KNOW without a doubt that I will be seen and my injury covered.

If I were to dislocate a shoulder during my routine for Jordin Sparks' "Battlefield" then the same should hold true. Or perhaps if I were to break a finger while performing my sweet moves for Beyonce's "Single Lady" then the doctors should like it and put a cast on it!

I'm just saying!

For more insight, be sure to follow StickmanMusings on Twitter. I guarantee you that I am the funniest person on Twitter with an account called StickmanMusings! You can take that to the bank.

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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

You All Think I'm Smart...You Should Meet My Dog!

I'm certain that members of my family would think a more fitting title to this post would be "You All Think I'm Odd...You Should Meet My Dog!" But as I think I have proven here in the past, I'm not sure my family can be trusted with the determination of what is odd or not odd. You should meet these people!

I just have to tell you that our new puppy is about the smartest dog that will ever be born. Here are some thinks that certify her as an actual genius:

She can fetch already. Although we are still working on letting go of the ball once she brings it back.

She can find home. We take her on walks around the neighborhood and when we get back by home she knows exactly where to go.

She can make her toys squeak. This one was exciting at first when she figured out where to bite to make the noise, however, the more she figures it out it gets a bit annoying.

She kinda gets the potty training. Despite a few accidents occasionally, she is really figuring out the potty training thing. She has a 95% accuracy rating.

She watches TV. At the risk of straining her neck, she will sit on the floor and crane her head around to see the TV hanging above the fireplace in the family room.

She likes music. Everybody knows that babies that listen to music end up smarter, right? I think I heard something about that somewhere. Last night she intently watched Boy Child play his acoustic guitar until it finally lulled her to sleep.

She can drive a car. OK, I made that one up, but we have a competition going between us and our in-laws (who have our puppy's sister) about who has the better and smart dog. So we exaggerate a little bit.
OK. That's about all that I've got. Sure, you're saying all puppies can do that stuff, but what you don't understand is how awesome she is at it. I see great potential. We could realistically be looking at the next Lassie here.

If any of my readers happen to fall down a well, rest assured that Presley will let me know right away, and someone will be coming to your rescue. Also, if you go blind or have your uterus taken out, she will be there to assist you across the street.

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Friday, August 28, 2009

Everything Must Go! Get It While It's Hot!

California is having its blow-out garage sale right now. Apparently by selling a few odds and ins such as old prison uniforms and a spare Xbox 360, the esteemed actor governor of California is convinced that he can wipe out the state's $25 billion deficit. That, my friends, is one hell of a garage sale.

Mrs. Stickman and I tried to do a garage sale once. The thing brought in a gross profit of around $25. Then after we paid the kids off for helping set it up, we brought in a net of about $3. And then we still ended taking a couple truckloads of crap to a charity. The most ridiculous thing about that whole garage sale, however, was the fact that the kids wanted the money for all the crap of theirs that we sold - apparently it didn't matter that I am the one that bought it all.

So anyway, I figure the state of California is screwed. Perhaps they can get a sponsor. You know how all of the sports arenas, and the college bowl games, and almost everything else you can think of has a sponsor now? They could be the Microsoft State of California. Or the Viacom State of California. Or something more saucy like Victoria's Secret State of California. Or we could make it real easy and have it be the Mexico State of California.

From what I understand, they are looking to increase the value of items by having the governor autograph them. I can not think of a better Halloween costume than a California State Penitentiary uniform autographed by Arnold Schwarzeneggar. And who wouldn't want The Terminator's signature on their car?

I wish I would have thought of offering to autograph the things at our garage sale. Who wouldn't want a Stickman autograph on their child's Abercrombie jeans? I bet we could have brought in at least $26 dollars if I would have thought of that.

What are they going to think of next in California? Sell all the stop signs? The traffic lights? Maybe they could sell all their illegal immigrants back to Mexico. That would be a good deal, especially since they would probably just come right back anyway. They could keep reselling the same immigrants.

I bet the top item at the garage sale is the big giant knife that Governor Schwarzenegger used in his famous garage salesman video. I bet they could get at least $100 for a giant buck. $150 if he signed it!

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

How Can One Little Puppy Exhaust Me So Much?

As I set here and type this blog, I can barely keep my eyes open. Our little puppy is just wearing me out. It is constant work to have a puppy in your house. I hear the word "NO!" in my sleep. I find myself daydreaming about going outside to go potty. How much more of this can a human being take?!?

For something that was to be the complete responsibility of the children, I sure am doing a lot of work. Getting up at 5am to take the dog outside to do her business isn't exactly what I signed up for. And yet, I find myself loving that dog so much already that I can't just let her be miserable. Also, I am so anal retentive that I can't stand the thought of a mess in her crate - or my house!

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d yjsy yr;; u pi

See? I am so tired that I just typed an entire sentence with my fingers in the wrong spot on the keyboard. That's pretty bad! Not only am I getting up early to take the dog out, be we are staying up on average about an hour later than we normally do so that we can get one final potty in for her before we go to bed.

Our puppy's sister - that Mrs. Stickman's sister's family got - is the calmest puppy ever. It sleeps and cuddles and sleeps. Our puppy plays and bites and plays. We had to get the hyper one. Sure when she is older that may make her much more fun, but right now it is exhausting.

I am going to turn this blog into my puppy venting outlet if I'm not careful. I promise more funny once I can get some sleep.

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Medieval Puppy Training Method

This is quickly becoming a dog blog. I am sorry for that fact, but the puppy is an all consuming force. Day in and day out we shall eat, breath, and sleep puppy. OK, don't get alarmed... we aren't actually going to eat the puppy. We are breathing a lot of her though, and she smells like wet dog. And we certainly aren't sleeping - that puppy sure can cry at night.

So, before I go any farther, some of you have demanded to see this puppy so that you may judge - once and for all - her cuteness. So, without further ado, I present to you Presley (yes I named her after my hero, Elvis):

Told you she was cute. She is 6 weeks old. She's what they call a Labradinger, which is a mix of English Springer Spaniel and Labrador. And she is much more awesome in real life than she is in this picture.

So after spending the day with her yesterday, and reading much crap on the internet, Mrs. Stickman has decided to subscribe to the Medieval Puppy Training Method, in which you torture the poor puppy by locking her up in cage all the time and only taking her out to go to the bathroom, and to play occasionally.

This plan involves a lot of crying, gnawing on the cage, and attempts to find escape hatches - and that's just me, although the puppy doesn't like it either. Turns out that I am just a big softy in this dog situation, because I can hardly stand it. We're not even allowed to talk to the poor dog when she's in the cage. How cruel is that.

Also, if the dog ever IS allowed out of the cage, she is not allowed to step on any of the rugs. We have a lot of very large area rugs on our main floor. This is going to involve a lot of zig zagging and movement restrictions on the poor dog. It's so not fair. Not to mention that the basement and the second floor are carpeted, so she can't go there at all!

I figure we're going to end up with a dog that can go to the bathroom outside, but hates our stinking guts the rest of the time. Poor little puppy. She probably feels like she got captured by Al Qaeda or the Taliban or something.

I can't wait until she is potty trained so that we can actually start to enjoy her again! Stickman out!

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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I Get A Dog, I Like The Dog, I Get Mocked - I Can't Win

You would think that since I went against everything I stood for, and out of the abundance of love and generosity in my heart, got my family a beautiful little puppy that I would be the king of my world, the master of my domain, the beloved husband and father; however, just as with anything else I do, I just end up getting mocked. How does this happen?

Before I got the dog, when I was still in my "no pets in our house" stage, I was accused of terrible things like being a dog hater or a puppy kicker. I was mean. I was cruel. I was the only person in the world that didn't know that every kid must grow up having a dog.

(On a side note about that: Girl Child said to Mrs. Stickman: "Every kid needs to have a dog growing up." Mrs. S said: "You're not a kid anymore, you are already grown up." Girl Child: "I am too still a kid." Mrs. S: "Then take off your boobs!" Isn't that hilarious!)

After all of these cruel things were said about me, much like Jesus, I forgave my family for they knew not what they did. And then with all the love in me, I snuck out and secretly got a puppy for our house. Everyone is concerned that I have made a terrible mistake and that I will be mean to the puppy and treat it badly. Preposterous!

Instead, I absolutely love the puppy, and I talk to it and treat it like a baby, and I play with it, and I take pictures of it, and I hang these pictures in my office, and it is my pride and joy. Obviously, everybody in our family finds this to be wonderful and is so thankful to me, and tells me how awesome I am, right? WRONG! They mock! They point and laugh!

I threaten to get rid of the dog if that is how they are going to treat me. They don't believe it because they know I am absolutely in love with the damn dog. I make them promise to not tell anyone outside of our house that I like the dog. They lie and say OK, although I know they will tell everyone.

What's a guy got to do to get a little love? I just want to be loved. Is that so wrong?

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Am A Hero - I Got A Damn Dog!

On Saturday Mrs. Stickman's sister and her family came over to hang out and go swimming and grill and drink and all of that good stuff that we do in the summer. Only this time, they brought along a brand new member of the family. Oh yes, a puppy!

Now this puppy was the cutest little puppy I have seen in a long time. You couldn't help but love this puppy. Mrs. Stickman and Girl Child fell so in love with this puppy that they instantly began to demand a puppy of their own.

I have a pretty strong anti-pet stance that I have stood behind for quite some time. I know that a damn dog would eat my shoes, piss and poop all over my house, ruin everything that I work hard to provide for my family. In general, I felt a dog was a bad idea.

After seeing the faces of the females in our house, I began to break down. And I have to admit, that puppy was damn adorable. So I inquired as to the availability of another puppy from the same little as our new niece puppy. Is that what you would call that? Seems odd.

So I began a secret campaign to get a puppy. I would sneak into the house and try to call the owners. Turns out they were out of town for the day on Sunday. So I called yesterday, and it turns out all the puppies were spoken for. So I was bummed and told Mrs. Stickman that we were too late, they were all gone.

And then I get a call back today that one of the families that took a puppy aren't going to be able to keep it, so we can have it. So in about 1 hour, I will officially be a puppy owner. I am excited and nervous at the same time. However, I know that my family is going to be so excited. I will be the hero!

An additional benefit is that I get to use the "I bought you a puppy" line for the next 6 months or so to get just about anything I want. And I plan on milking this for all that it is worth. "Go get me a beer." "Give me some sex." "I want that new phone." "We watch what I want to watch." And if there is any descent...."I bought you a puppy."

I sure hope this goes well. I don't want to become a puppy kicker.

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Is It Weird To Love A Pair Of Socks?

When we were on our recent excursion to the East Coast, I did as any self-respecting man does on vacation and shopped for shoes. What can I say, I am a man that loves shoe shopping. Is that so wrong?

In Philly, I hit the Puma store (one of my favorite shoe brands) and found a cool new pair of shoes. I also picked a couple pairs of athletic type ankle socks in the store. They were white with giant pumas on the bottom of the feet area.

I wore these new socks the next day as we were wandering around downtown Philly. They were very comfortable, they wicked moisture well, and I was very pleased with their performance.

So that night, back at the hotel, I removed my shoes and laid down on the bed. I begin to check out my new socks and admire the pumas on the bottom of each foot. As I checked them out, I began to ask them if they enjoyed their day walking around. And then I began to sing to them about how great of socks they were, and how much I loved them.

As I did this, Mrs. Stickman and Girl Child had stopped whatever it is annoying females do after returning to the hotel after walking around the city on vacation they were doing, and began to mock me for enjoying the company of my socks. What is that? I performed no mockable act.

And, therefore, I ask the question - Is it weird to love a pair of socks? To talk to them about your day? To name them Puma 1 and Puma 2? To sing a little song of love and appreciation to them for bringing you through the day blister free, or for wicking your foot sweat away, or for keeping your feet from stinking?

I dare say that NO, it is not weird. It is awesome! It is cool! And it is most definitely absolutely normal!!

So eat it Mrs. Stickman and Girl Child! Stickman out!

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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

30 Million Things You Didn't Know About Money - Just Kidding, It's Really Only 30 Things

Do you think you know a lot about money? Maybe you do. Maybe you don’t. But let’s see if any of the following facts are in any way surprising to you:

1. More of our fantasies are about money… than sex.

2. If we could have any luxury in the world (and money didn’t matter) more of us would choose to spend money on a butler and a maid than anything else. I would buy Mr. Belvedere and Alice from The Brady Bunch.

3. 90% of Americans who own pets buy them Christmas gifts. Also, 90% of Americans are retards.

4. Money is the leading cause of disagreements in marriages. A close second is who controls the money.

5. 65% of Americans would live on a deserted island all by themselves for an entire year for $1,000,000. Only 50% would go on Survivor.

6. For $10,000,000 most of us would do almost ANYTHING! Including abandoning our family and friends and our church. A very high percentage of us would, for that same amount of money, change our race or sex. And, 1 in every 14, would even murder someone for ten million bucks. What’s really strange about this is, the statistics remain the same whether it’s ten million dollars all the way down to three million. For three million bucks, most of us would do the same horrible things we would do for ten million. But, guess what? Few of us would do these things for a “measly” two million.

7. 92% of us would rather be rich than find the love of our lives. 100% of us would rather do both.

8. Here’s a weighty one: Money (or the lack thereof) is the biggest stress inducer in the lives of Americans. We worry more about money than our marriages, our health, or even who’s going to win the Superbowl Game - unless we have all of our money riding on the game.

9. If you get your money out of a Hitachi ATM machine in Japan, it will be laundered. The way they do it is, they briefly press the bills between rollers at high enough temperatures to kill most bacteria.

10. Nearly half of the people who sell their houses with furniture included will take all the light bulbs out of all the lamps when they vacate the premises. It's a great gag, the new owners just walk around bumping into the furniture.

11. Most people won’t bend over to pick up money lying on the sidewalk unless it’s at least a dollar. This is how Warren Buffet made his first million - by picking up all the change that everyone else walked by.

12. Most Americans think pennies are a pain in the ass and the U.S. Mint should stop making them. Great idea!

13. There is about 405 billion dollars in circulation. Only 32 million of that amount is counterfeit. That means, the percentage of counterfeit money in America is .0079%. And, $20 bills are more often counterfeited than $100 bills. And yet, the damn cashiers at the store always have to check the bills with that damn marker thing.

14. Do people care if their bills are crisp? Indeed, they do. Fresh, crisp, clean bills are considered much more valuable than those which are old, wrinkled and dirty. My Father-in-Law actually irons his money! Can you believe that?

15. Let’s flip a coin and try to guess whether it will come up heads or tails. Three times as many people guess ‘heads’ than ‘tails’.

16. Here’s one I personally think really sucks: One out of every four Americans believe their best chance of getting rich is by playing the lottery. One out of ever four Americans are also lazy ass idiots.

17. How about this one for a shocking fact: 5% of lottery ticket buyers buy 51% of all tickets sold. Trust me, none of these people belong to the “Einsteins of America Society”.

18. A staggering 74% of us are influenced by how much we can win in a lottery as opposed to the odds of us winning. Duh!

19. That’s a good thing for the Government because the odds of winning a lottery jackpot are about 10 million to 1.

20. A person who drives 10 miles to buy a lottery ticket is 3 times more likely to be killed in a car accident while driving to buy the ticket than he is to win the jackpot.

21. Few people know it but, you can buy single-disease insurance. Can you get it for Moronitis? Then all those lottery ticket buyers could get their ticket expenses reimbursed.

22. Here’s one that’s really important: 63% of us decide NOT to buy a product advertised on the Internet… because… we think the shipping and handling charges add too much to the order.

23. Eight times as many Americans would rather use an ATM than deal with a real live teller. I would rather do anything in a way that doesn't have to deal with another human being - they always screw things up!

24. This one’s going to blow your mind: 83% of Americans still pay with checks instead of credit cards! And 100% of these people get in front of me at the grocery store.

25. Almost 30% of us say we would need 3 million smackaroos to feel rich. This ties in with the fact most of us would do anything for as little as $3 million… but… not nearly as many of us would do those identical things for a measly $2 million. (Hey, here’s your chance to take advantage of that situation. If you only want to pay $2 million to have something done, ask me if I’ll do it. The chances are, believe it or not, I WILL DO IT.)

26. Two-thirds of Americans say they wouldn’t let their spouse spend the night and have sex with another person for a million dollars. Many of these people are liars. There’s a big difference being asked if they would do it for a million dollars… as opposed to… handing them a paper sack containing the million fungolas and simply saying, “Here, you can have this if you’ll let me sleep with your sweetie tonight.”

27. More than one-third of American women consider money more important than good sex to the success of a marriage. Maybe I should wear underwear made out of money.

28. According to Employee Benefits Research Institute 96% of all people who have jobs right now won’t be eligible for their full Social Security benefits when they reach age 65.

29. One of the best ways to raise money for a charity is to have a free dinner for a lot of people and have an empty envelope tucked under their plate… for the express purpose… of making whatever size donation they want.

30. People tip more on sunny days than they do on dreary days.

Lot's of interesting insight into the money situation here. I hope we have all learned a valuable lesson. What that lesson is, I have no idea!

Stickman out!

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Thursday, August 6, 2009

It's A Good Thing Martha Washington Was Rich, Cause She Was A Hag

Far be it from me to criticize the mother of our nation, but that Martha Washington was not a looker in the least bit. Not that George Washington was exactly Brad Pitt or anything himself. With parents like those two, it's no wonder America is such an ugly nation!

I don't know that I had ever really seen a picture of Mrs. Washington before we were in a museum in Philadelphia on our trip last week. As boy child and I were working our way through the photo gallery in this museum, we came across the picture below, and we let out a collective grunt of disgust.

Stickman Musings' extensive research department, commonly referred to as Wikipedia, has informed me that old Georgie boy got him a Sugar Mama by marrying her. Martha was loaded! Of course, in those days, money (AKA land and slaves) was far more important than looks. I don't know if you've seen paintings of people back then, but it was a pretty well known fact that everyone was ugly.

Can you even imagine what people are going to look like in 200 more years? If we look back at our ancestors and are stunned by how ugly they are, how ugly are we going to look to our great great great great great grandchildren? Of course, some of us don't look even look so good to our contemporaries. If I'm this ugly now, imagine how I will look to those 200 years in the future. (Note to self: Destroy all photos of self before death)

With this revelation of Martha's ugliness, it is no surprise that George was boinking the slave girls. He clearly had no choice.

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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

An Ode To New York City

Oh, New York City
How I love you
You are so big and wondrous
And full of hullabaloo

I am drawn to you
like a mosquito to a bug zapper
And no matter what I choose to wear
You consider it quite dapper

Your people are so diverse
And they speak in many tongues
Your streets and parks are nice
And your gutters contain no dungs

No matter what I choose to do
Be it sightseeing or shopping
You have it all at my disposal
If in a cab I feel like hopping

Your buildings are so tall
Your attention span so short
My feet enjoy your sidewalks
Even with my planter's wart

You are the big apple
And I like to take a bite
Time's Square is quite lit up
Especially at night

You have a lot of old
And historical type things
Also, the Naked Cowboy
Who plays guitar and sings

I can go and see Matt Lauer
And even be on TV
Or buy some knockoff sunglasses
And drink wine in little Italy

There are way too many things
For me to go into here
So I will just thank you for your bars
And all your awesome beer

I love you New York City
Of this there is no doubt
That wraps up this post
So... Stickman out!

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Guess Who's Back!

The stickman has returned!  I know all of my faithful readers have missed me terribly over the past 10 days while I was gone.  

I have lots of fun stories to tell about the trip, but it has been a crazy day here getting settled back in.  I promise to write a real post tomorrow.

In the meantime, consider this.... Where is Old York City?

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Friday, July 24, 2009

Hitting The Road - But I Will Be Back

So we are off tomorrow on another exciting Stickman family adventure.  I'm sure this will yield just as much excitement as each of our other adventures.  You can't help but have a good time and lots of laughs with our sorry lot.

We are first heading to Philadelphia, the birthplace of our great nation.  Last time we were there the kids were more excited by the fact that the movie National Treasure was filmed there than they were about all the great history that happened on the spot.  Dumb kids!

I don't know if that's worse that the fact that all I get excited about is chowing down on Philly Cheesesteaks.  Nothing in this world tastes better that a "with, whiz" from Jim's Steaks downtown.  It's like heaven in my mouth.  It's also like concrete in my arteries, but who cares, right?

Unfortunately, I have to work for a few days in Philly.  But it shouldn't be too bad.  Especially knowing that when it is done, we are heading to my absolute favorite place - New York City!  Aahhh, yes.  We get to do some SOHO shopping, some Little Italy eating, some Broadway watching, and some Irish Pub drinking.  I love the big apple.

Also, we are scheduled to see the Kings of Leon perform on the Today show next Friday morning.  Look for me.  I'll be the one not holding up a sign, not screaming, and not acting interested in being on TV at all.  I'm too cool for that crap!  Just look for the stickman.

I may, or may not, do any posts while I am gone.  We'll see how it works out.  If not, know that I am having a great time!  And you're not!  HA!  What do I know, you may be having more fun than me, but I will never admit to that fact.

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Governator Cuts Budget With GIANT Knife!

Has anyone seen this Twitter video that Governor Arnold "It's Not A Tumor" Schwarzenegger posted, in which he talks about his budget cuts while yielding a giant knife?  If not you can watch Arnold wave the knife in true Conan the Barbarian fashion.

I wonder where you get a buck knife that big?  Is that technically still considered a pocket knife?  I wonder if they would get through airport security?  It looks like a Photoshop gag. 

Apparently this article is raising quite a debate of politicians using Twitter.  Once they put something out there on Twitter, they can't take it back.  And what politician can explain themselves in 140 characters?  Certainly not Sarah Palen, although apparently she is trying - to the enjoyment of her detractors.

What would have been great is George W. Bush using Twitter.  It would have been so cool to see how he spelled all those words that he liked to make up.  Would like to see some back and forth tweets between he and Cheney, too.  Great entertainment.

If you are into Twitter, be sure to follow me over there.  User name is StickmanMusings.  I promise I'm funnier over there than I am here.  Well, not really, but at least my boring is not so drawn out.

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Monday, July 20, 2009

Them Are Some Mighty Fine Odds

Being a poker player, I love calculating odds.  So today, when I received a newsletter in my inbox that had a bunch of odds on it, I thought I would share some with you here.  I hope you enjoy.

The odds are 1 out of 3,333,333 that you will be killed in a mass murder this year.  - The Week Magazine

I like my odds here.

The odds are 1 out of 9 that you live with your parents or in-laws if you’re between age 35 and 44. - The Week Magazine

Ironically, the odds are also 1 out of 9 that you are a loser.

The odds are 1 out of 12 that you have used an illegal drug within the past month. - Parade Magazine

Whaaat?!?  Who told you that?  Crazy!

The odds are 2 out of 3 that you’re currently overweight. - Time Magazine

Try 3 out of 3!  Whoever did this study obviously has never been to my local mall!

The odds are 1 out of 182 that you subscribe to an adult-content website if you live in Utah. - Discover Magazine

Damn Mormans are pervs!

The odds are 1 out of 3 that you have a criminal record, if you have graduated from the Atlanta Police Academy. - The Week Magazine

Good to be the PoPo in Atlanta, apparently.  Who better to catch a crook than a crook, I guess.

The odds are 1 out of 14 that a car accident in the United States is a result of a distraction caused by a cell phone. - San Diego Union

This one has to be on the rise.  I saw a girl the other day holding her cigarrette out the window with one hand, texting with the other hand, and driving with her knee.  At 55MPH in traffic.

The odds are 1 out of 30 that a human death in 2007 was a direct result of alcohol. - Medical News Today

If you have to die, you may as well enjoy it.  What a way to go!

The odds are 1 out of 9 that a human death in 2007 in Alaska was a direct result of alcohol. - Medical News Today

Eskimos be drinkin!  Snowmobiling under the influence.  Ironically, 8 out of 9 human births were also the direct result of alcohol.

The odds are 1 out of 3 that if you have a baby in America this year, it will be out–of-wedlock. - The Week Magazine


The odds are 1 out of 4 that you have genital herpes (if you’re an adult that lives in New York City). - Yahoo! News

Note to self...careful on the public toilets when visiting NYC in a few weeks.

The odds are 1 out of 7 that you visited New York City last year. - The Week Magazine

Also, 1 out of 28 of you now have genital herpes.

The odds are 1 out of 10,000 that you will get injured by a toilet this year. - San Diego Union

Does genital herpes count as "injured?"

The odds are 1 out of 7,143 that you have a brain tumor. - North County Times

It's NOT a tumor!

The odds are almost 2 out of 3 that if you’re an American woman you would rather be poor and thin than rich and fat - The Week Magazine

Such idiots!  I would rather be rich and thin.  Duh!

The odds are 1 out of 290 that a person in America is an illegal alien. - Time Magazine

Again, whoever did this study has obviously not been to my local mall.

The odds are 1 out of 500 that you visited Graceland last year. - Time Magazine

I did that!  Read about my trip to Graceland.

The odds are 1 out of 5 that you believe the best way to get rich is to win the lottery. - Yahoo News

Odds are also 1 out of 5 that you are a redneck.  Seriously though, I often dream of winning the lottery.

The odds are 1 out of 200 that you will turn up missing this year, if you’re an Alaskan. - Boston Globe

So we have a 1% chance of getting rid of Sarah Palin.  Wish those odds were better.

I'm not sure what the odds are on you having enjoyed this post, but I sure hope they are good.  I hope you enjoyed these numbers as much as I have (since I have been accused of being a math nerd).

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Michael Jackson Memorial Recovery Fund - Donate Here

For those of you that live in remote jungle villages, have just arrived from another planet, were recently discovered frozen in the Arctic, or have just woken up from a coma,  I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, has tragically passed away at the age of 50.

If you have been among the living, civilized world for the past three weeks, then there is no way in hell you aren't aware of this.  It has been the only thing on television for the entirety of the past three weeks.  And when I say the only thing, I mean the only thing.  Even if the guide says something else is on, when you turn it to that channel you get Michael Jackson.

Now granted, when the death first happened, I was riveted.  Everyone I knew was riveted.  My brother-in-law even admitted to getting out of bed at 1AM while his wife was sleeping, and dancing along with the Jackson videos they were playing.  I would never admit do that!

However, as time goes on, I am not sure how much more of my life I can dedicate to the gloved one's death.  There are only so many times that I can stand seeing Miko Brando on the Larry King Live show.  And I have definitely reached my limit on the number of times I can see Debbie Rowe's ugly face. 

So I say "no more" to watching Michael Jackson news.  I feel like my life is going up in smoke like a wad of Michael Jackson's hair in a 1984 Pepsi commercial shoot.  

I figure I've wasted at least 2 weeks of my life watching this crap.  What is two weeks of my life worth?  I figure it at about $1.4 million dollars, plus $150 for my cable bill, and $15 for a CD.

With this in mind, I will be setting up a website in order to take donations to recoup the cost of my memorializing Michael Jackson.  I know you may think the Jackson family should pay for this directly, since they are the ones that introduced Michael to the world in the first place, but I'm not sure it is their responsibility.  So, if you would like to donate to my fund, please post a comment, and I will give you directions.

Thank you for your support.  Stickman out!

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I Know You Are But What Am I?

There is a common idea amongst the members of my household.  It is an idea that I, personally, can not begin to understand.  Yet, each other member of my family has come to an agreement (which is something that rarely happens - especially between boy child and girl child), and perhaps I can no longer ignore their observation.

What is this epiphany that my loved and cherished ones have reached?  I will tell you, but I warn you that it is not nice.  Here it is:

They think I act like a child!

Shocking, isn't it?  It is to me every time that I hear one of them say it.  They say, "you are such a little kid" and I reply, "I know you are but what am I?"  Or Mrs. Stickman may say, "quit acting like a pathetic baby" to which I say, "Na nana na na nanana naneee."

Sure, I may do some childish things like hide girl child's food or make masturbation jokes to boy child.  I may sulk and slump my shoulders when someone makes fun of me.  I may say "why can't you just love me" every time Mrs. Stickman does or says anything.  But the truth is, I do it all in a very mature way.  No child could perform my routine with such passion, such snideness, such downright cuteness, and such incredible hilarity.

And yet with all of these wonderful attributes to my performance, I am often threatened with slaps, hits, and hatred.  I ask, is that any way to treat a child?

And, secretly, I know that they absolutely love it when I do these things.  They are just pretending to get annoyed and want to kill me.  All part of the fun.  Right, Mrs. S?

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dumbass of the Day Goes To...

There are dumbasses galore in this country.  I pride myself on being able to spot them.  Perhaps it is my far superior intelligence that makes them more obvious to me.  However, I think all will agree that this guy takes the cake.

U.S. Army Maj. Stefan Frederick Cook wins the dumbass of the day award for his asinine performance in his attempt to get out of being deployed to Afghanistan.   His reasoning for asking the court to halt his deployment, you ask?  Barack Obama is not a U.S. citizen and therefore can't be president, and therefore has no legal authority to order Cook to go to Afghanistan.  That's right....dumbass!

When are people going to give up on this "not a citizen" thing?  I thought it was over, but apparently not.  Cook's lawsuit is going to start a whole string of lawsuits now...I just know it.
The I-don't-have-to-pay-my-income-taxes-because-Obama's-not-a-citizen lawsuit.

The I-can-drink-and-drive-if-I-want-because-the-laws-don't-matter-because-Obama's-not-a-citizen lawsuit.

The I'm-gonna-marry-5-women-that-may-or-may-not-be-related-to-me-and-own-myself-a-bunch-of-slaves-since-the-constitution-is-void-because-Obama's-not-a-citizen lawsuit.

The Let's-demand-that-John-McCain-be-awarded-the-Presidency-and-then-we'll-kill-him-so-Sarah-Palin-can-be-President-and-then-quit-when-things-don't-go-her-way-because-Obama's-not-a-citizen lawsuit.
These are just a few of the many possibilities of lawsuits that we are going to see ride the coat strings of this dumbass soldier.  If the dumbass didn't want to be deployed, then the dumbass shouldn't be in the reserves.  We have been at war for what, 8 years now?  I'm sure he didn't sign on to the reserves for more than 8 years, right?  So he either a) renewed his contract, or b) signed on after the war was going on in the first place.  WHAT DID HE EXPECT?

And does he really think his little lawsuit is going to work?  That everyone else in the country is a dumbass, and he is the only genius to figure this out?  I mean, really?!?  Give me a break.

This is just my humble opinion.  Stickman out!

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Monday, July 13, 2009

Poor Poor Brian Dunkleman - Literally Poor Compared To Ryan Seacrest

Word is out today that Ryan Seacrest, the new Dick Clark, has signed a new 3-year deal with American Idol.  He will stay on as host for a reported $15 million per year.  This new super deal makes Seacrest the highest paid reality show host ever, by which they mean he gets paid more than Jeff Probst.  

I am pretty sure that there is no one else that would be anywhere near these guy's level, right?  Maybe the guy from The Bachelor?  He should get bonus money for having to step in at every rose ceremony and remind everyone that "this is the last rose" as if there were anybody in that room or in the viewing audience that didn't know it was the last rose.  I mean, really?!?  If they are going to make you look like a moron, they should compensate you for it.

There aren't too many people that even remember that Ryan Seacrest had a cohost on the first season of American Idol.  Back then no one knew who Ryan Seacrest was except people that listened to his local LA radio show, and probably his parents, but I'm not sure about that.  His cohost Brian Dunkleman was probably more famous that he was.  And yet, America fell in love with Mr. Seacrest, and America has no idea who Dunkleman is.

Sure Dunkleman tried to say that he quit.  He was taking a stand because the show treated contestants badly according to him, and the whole thing was overproduced and staged.  Ironically, back then it wasn't.  Maybe he saw what was coming?  Dunkleman, the comedic psychic.  Now available for children's birthday parties. Literally.

Truth is, Dunkleman sucked and Seacrest rocked.  Seacrest is an astute business man who now makes gazillions of dollars getting his hand into every money pot in the music and entertainment world.  Like I said earlier - the new Dick Clark.  I bet Dunkleman hates Seacrest.

Poor Brian Dunkleman.  Poor, poor Brian Dunkleman.  We remember you.

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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Attack Of The 50 Foot First Lady

Our newest weapon in the war on terror - and in encouraging diplomacy around the world - is to threaten nations with the attack of the fifty foot first lady!  It will scare the bejesus out of those damn terrorists.

I came across the following picture today, in which President Barack Obama threatens the Italian president and his wife with our new super weapon.  Here it is:

Notice the stair step effect?  At first I thought this was one of those crazy AT&T Wireless  commercials where everything indicates the fact that they have "more bars" - which is a load of crap, by the way.

Turns out it's not a commercial.  It's just two couples with one wife so short that her jacket hangs past her knees and the other a freakishly tall Amazon woman that has fashioned a dress out of banana peels.

Speaking of Amazon, I am reminded of a story.  When the kids were a bit younger, I took them to an aquarium, and as we approached the next exhibit in line (a tunnel where you walked through an aquarium full of fish) girl child says, "Oh cool!  We're going into the amazin' tunnel!)  Of course the sign said AMAZON, she just thought it was AMAZING.  We still say things that are amazing are amazon.  Kids!

Anyway, go get those damn foreigners Gigantor Obama!  There's no way they can measure up to you.

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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Who Decided It Was Nerdy To Like Math?

Mrs. Stickman recently referred to me to someone as a "math nerd."  I was a little taken aback by the obvious slap in the face to my abundant coolness.  Who is this person that decided if you like to perform mathematical problems, then you must be a nerd?  If you ask me, that's racial profiling!

I freely admit that I love math.  One of the reasons that I love playing poker so much is that it involves constant math.  In fact, Mrs. S was referring my poker skills when she called me a math nerd.  Is poker for nerds?  I think not!  Well, maybe it is actually.

I try to involve math in to everything that I do in life.  When we are on a road trip (before GPS came along and did all this for me) I will constantly recalculate arrival time based on miles left and current speed.  I could also calculate miles per gallon.  Time to get to the next state line, or big city.  There is just a plethora of math problems involved with driving long distances.  It is awesome!

When I lay in bed at night and can't sleep, I pick a number and begin multiplying to the nth power.  2 x 2 is 4 x 2 is 8 x 2 is 16 x 2 is 32, etc until I can't go any farther.  Fun stuff!

Does all of this make me nerdy?  I dare say NOT!  In my opinion it is incredibly COOL to do math.  I love that I can tell you what my odds of winning a poker hand are, and how high of a bet it is in my favor or not to call based on those odds.  It makes me a math STUD not a math NERD.

So, I say Mathies unite!  Let's fight the stigma of math as nerdy.  And maybe we can work on the computer nerd stereotype while we're at it too!

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Thursday, July 2, 2009

King's Response to Declaration of Independence

I found this response to the Declaration of Independence from King George III.  I'm not certain if it is real or not.  But it certainly seems feasible in today's society.  That King George was way ahead of his time.

The Court of King George III London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson,

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold truths to be "self-evident" . Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Management Analyst to the British Crown

This is very close to the response I got when I declared my independence from the company I work for.  I stepped into the middle of the office and yelled "INDEPENDENCE!!" at the top of my lungs.  Someone asked what I was doing and I told them "declaring my independence."  They said "you can't just say it."  And I said, "I didn't say it.  I declared it!"   Anyway, I made all that up, so just forget it.

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My Petition For Custody Of Michael Jackson's Kids

As everyone is aware, there is going to be some major legal moves in attempts to gain custody of The Gloved One's children.  Already, yesterday, his mother has filed a petition to the court for custody.  

I would guess that we will see more people wanting custody in the next few weeks.  This is going to make the whole Anna Nicole Smith baby thing seem tame!

Since trying to get custody of Michael Jackson's kids seems to be the "thing to do" in Hollywood these days, I figure I'd throw my hat (just like MJ) into the ring.  Here are the key reasons for my argument to the court:

1.  I'm not a Jackson.  I've got that going for me.  By not being a member of that family I am at least 4 times more sane than any of those choices.

2.  I have a whole collection of Halloween masks and blankets.  I am fully prepared to hide the kids faces from any paparazzi that may appear.  Which brings me to my next point. . .

3.  No paparazzi in my town.  My little Midwest town is not known for celebrities, and therefore we are pretty much paparazzi free.  Perhaps this will help give the kids a chance at normality.

4.  I look relatively normal.  It might be a nice switch for the kids to have a parent that wasn't a bit odd looking.  Perhaps someone with a full nose, and someone who doesn't have an extra butt crack on their chin.  I've got that covered.

5.  No high railings in my house.  This eliminates any option for dangling kids over the rail.  Safety first is the motto at the Stickman home.

These are just five of the points in my 100 page document.  I don't want to reveal too much until the proceedings are complete.  No way am I letting any of you other Michael-Jackson's- Kid's-Parents-Wanna-Be's steal any of my genius ideas.

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Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson - An 8 Year Old's Take

If you aren't aware that Michael Jackson has passed away, that makes you the only person in the civilized world.  How's it feel being the only retard that doesn't know?  Hell, even retards know!  What a loser you are!

Wait...I guess you didn't say that you weren't aware of it.  My apologies for over reacting.

So the King of Pop has died at a relatively young age.  Much like the King of Rock-n-Roll did.  Is there a King of Rap?  King of Hip Hop?  King of Gospel?  If so, did these people die young?  If you know, please tell me.

After my 8 and 9 year old nephews found out that Michael Jackson died last night, the 8 year old said this to the 9 year old:

"It's too bad that MJ died.  I didn't know a lot about him.  I only knew three things:  
He sang good. 
He had a lot of concerts.  
He looked like a girl."

Could anyone have summed it up any better?  I was pretty impressed with his breakdown.  And the MJ abbreviation was his own!

It really is pretty sad that Jackson died.  Even though there was a sigh of relief from 12 year old boys across the country, the overall response seems to be one of sadness.

I was really looking forward to his big comeback, and was even hoping the get a chance to see him if he toured the US.  I was convinced that he was going to start playing Vegas after London.

I did come up with a conspiracy theory last night while watching the news coverage.  It goes like this... He had his doctor (who just happened to be there - right?) help him with an assisted suicide.  He was nervous about these concerts coming up, and he didn't want to go out there and fail and be remembered that way.  So his only way out of them was to die.  And die a legend.

That's my thoughts.  For what they are worth.  Which isn't much, as anyone who has read this blog is fully aware!

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

It Must Suck Being God

I don't think that I would want God's job.  It seems like it would be difficult, and very annoying.  I can't imagine having to listen to everybody's prayers.  I bet 90% of our prayers are just selfish wishes.

Do you think God really cares who wins the local little league baseball game?  And yet He (I will always use the He pronoun instead of She to make typing easier.  Please don't send me your feminist hate mail!) has 12 kids on each team, 2 coaches, and 60 parents or family members all praying for their team to win.  Do you think he actually has to choose who wins each game, or is he capable of leaving some things to chance?

Image how God must feel when the guy who just snorted cocaine gets pulled aside for random drug testing at work and starts praying that he doesn't get fired.  What do you do with that one?  Or when the lady that just cheated on her husband prays that she doesn't get pregnant?  Or when someone just really really doesn't want a Republican to be elected President?  How could God not answer that prayer?

I think if I was God there would be a lot more floods to wipe the Earth clean for a fresh start.  Or I'd just explode the Sun and move on to one of the other billions of planets and try again.

I imagine that God has to have a pretty sarcastic sense of humor.  How could he not?  I can just picture him thinking, "Really?!?!  You just stuck your arm in that vending machine trying to steel a candy bar, and now you want me to get your arm unstuck so that you don't get in trouble?  Maybe I'm the one that made your arm stick to teach you a lesson.  Ever think of that?  Asshole!"

That's right.  I don't think God is as frail as some Christians like to think he is.  I don't think he blushes when you swear.  I think he's a fan of sex.  And sometimes he just likes to screw with us.  Who do you think invented Murphy's Law? Some guy named Murphy?  Hell no, it was God.  Ironically he also invented the Murphy Bed.  Don't know what his obsession with Murphy is.

So the lesson is, don't pray to God for the stupid stuff.  Save it for the big stuff.  That way he won't learn to tune you out.  Don't waste all your yes answers on things like "please let Taco Bell still be open", "please let me get an aisle seat at the movies", or "don't let that fart smell, please."  Save them for more important things like "please don't let me lose anymore hair", "don't let me die", and "please let me win the lottery."

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Terrible Tuesdays - Another Special Edition

What is it with Tuesdays that make them so terrible?  So many bad things going on in the world.  Here is my list of terrible things this Tuesday:

Ed McMahon dies.  The Tonight Show sidekick is dead?  This is terrible on so many fronts.   Who the hell is going to say "Heeeeeere's Johnny!" now?  Or, "you sir are correct!"  And I think this means there is a pretty good chance that he is never going to show up on my doorstep with a check for a million dollars now.  Crap!  I've been waiting for years.  At least he doesn't have to worry about his house getting foreclosed on now.

Jon & Kate divorce.  What?!?  Really?!?  If you are anything like me, and absolutely love celebrity gossip, then I'm sure you have been very annoyed with all the tabloid coverage of Jon & Kate's marital problems.  Because - spoiler alert - they are NOT celebrities.  They are so annoying.  Especially her.  I would like to give her a new hairstyle using nothing more than a frying pan.  I wish instead of a divorce they would have announced a murder/suicide pact.

Iran elects - or doesn't.  I knew that Iran was behind the United States in a lot of things, including election processes, but I didn't know that it was just 8.5 years behind us.  Iran's election is taking longer to decide that the old Bush/Gore debacle.  Except instead of counting hanging chads, they are actually hanging guys that may or may not be named chad.  I love how they claim there is no way it could be fraud because the margin was so wide.  Apparently they only cheat enough to get by - don't want to overdo it!

Heat rises.  It's so hot everywhere.  Global warming rocks.  Miami has hottest day in over 60 years.  Obama has to move his press conference due to humidity.  Mrs. Stickman and girl child cancelled their trip to the beach today because it was too hot.  Perez Hilton is hotter than he's ever been, because he got beat up by a guy he called a faggot (I'd be mad too), and then his own GLAAD gets MAAD (I don't know what that means exactly).  What's with all this heat?

Hopefully, this with be the last Terrible Tuesdays, but I wouldn't count it.  The world is going to hell in a handbasket.  It's just going to get terribler and terribler (channeling Charles Barkley).  At least it's only bad on Tuesdays.  The rest of the time the world rocks!

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