Friday, July 24, 2009

Hitting The Road - But I Will Be Back

So we are off tomorrow on another exciting Stickman family adventure.  I'm sure this will yield just as much excitement as each of our other adventures.  You can't help but have a good time and lots of laughs with our sorry lot.

We are first heading to Philadelphia, the birthplace of our great nation.  Last time we were there the kids were more excited by the fact that the movie National Treasure was filmed there than they were about all the great history that happened on the spot.  Dumb kids!

I don't know if that's worse that the fact that all I get excited about is chowing down on Philly Cheesesteaks.  Nothing in this world tastes better that a "with, whiz" from Jim's Steaks downtown.  It's like heaven in my mouth.  It's also like concrete in my arteries, but who cares, right?

Unfortunately, I have to work for a few days in Philly.  But it shouldn't be too bad.  Especially knowing that when it is done, we are heading to my absolute favorite place - New York City!  Aahhh, yes.  We get to do some SOHO shopping, some Little Italy eating, some Broadway watching, and some Irish Pub drinking.  I love the big apple.

Also, we are scheduled to see the Kings of Leon perform on the Today show next Friday morning.  Look for me.  I'll be the one not holding up a sign, not screaming, and not acting interested in being on TV at all.  I'm too cool for that crap!  Just look for the stickman.

I may, or may not, do any posts while I am gone.  We'll see how it works out.  If not, know that I am having a great time!  And you're not!  HA!  What do I know, you may be having more fun than me, but I will never admit to that fact.

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Governator Cuts Budget With GIANT Knife!

Has anyone seen this Twitter video that Governor Arnold "It's Not A Tumor" Schwarzenegger posted, in which he talks about his budget cuts while yielding a giant knife?  If not you can watch Arnold wave the knife in true Conan the Barbarian fashion.

I wonder where you get a buck knife that big?  Is that technically still considered a pocket knife?  I wonder if they would get through airport security?  It looks like a Photoshop gag. 

Apparently this article is raising quite a debate of politicians using Twitter.  Once they put something out there on Twitter, they can't take it back.  And what politician can explain themselves in 140 characters?  Certainly not Sarah Palen, although apparently she is trying - to the enjoyment of her detractors.

What would have been great is George W. Bush using Twitter.  It would have been so cool to see how he spelled all those words that he liked to make up.  Would like to see some back and forth tweets between he and Cheney, too.  Great entertainment.

If you are into Twitter, be sure to follow me over there.  User name is StickmanMusings.  I promise I'm funnier over there than I am here.  Well, not really, but at least my boring is not so drawn out.

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Monday, July 20, 2009

Them Are Some Mighty Fine Odds

Being a poker player, I love calculating odds.  So today, when I received a newsletter in my inbox that had a bunch of odds on it, I thought I would share some with you here.  I hope you enjoy.

The odds are 1 out of 3,333,333 that you will be killed in a mass murder this year.  - The Week Magazine

I like my odds here.

The odds are 1 out of 9 that you live with your parents or in-laws if you’re between age 35 and 44. - The Week Magazine

Ironically, the odds are also 1 out of 9 that you are a loser.

The odds are 1 out of 12 that you have used an illegal drug within the past month. - Parade Magazine

Whaaat?!?  Who told you that?  Crazy!

The odds are 2 out of 3 that you’re currently overweight. - Time Magazine

Try 3 out of 3!  Whoever did this study obviously has never been to my local mall!

The odds are 1 out of 182 that you subscribe to an adult-content website if you live in Utah. - Discover Magazine

Damn Mormans are pervs!

The odds are 1 out of 3 that you have a criminal record, if you have graduated from the Atlanta Police Academy. - The Week Magazine

Good to be the PoPo in Atlanta, apparently.  Who better to catch a crook than a crook, I guess.

The odds are 1 out of 14 that a car accident in the United States is a result of a distraction caused by a cell phone. - San Diego Union

This one has to be on the rise.  I saw a girl the other day holding her cigarrette out the window with one hand, texting with the other hand, and driving with her knee.  At 55MPH in traffic.

The odds are 1 out of 30 that a human death in 2007 was a direct result of alcohol. - Medical News Today

If you have to die, you may as well enjoy it.  What a way to go!

The odds are 1 out of 9 that a human death in 2007 in Alaska was a direct result of alcohol. - Medical News Today

Eskimos be drinkin!  Snowmobiling under the influence.  Ironically, 8 out of 9 human births were also the direct result of alcohol.

The odds are 1 out of 3 that if you have a baby in America this year, it will be out–of-wedlock. - The Week Magazine


The odds are 1 out of 4 that you have genital herpes (if you’re an adult that lives in New York City). - Yahoo! News

Note to self...careful on the public toilets when visiting NYC in a few weeks.

The odds are 1 out of 7 that you visited New York City last year. - The Week Magazine

Also, 1 out of 28 of you now have genital herpes.

The odds are 1 out of 10,000 that you will get injured by a toilet this year. - San Diego Union

Does genital herpes count as "injured?"

The odds are 1 out of 7,143 that you have a brain tumor. - North County Times

It's NOT a tumor!

The odds are almost 2 out of 3 that if you’re an American woman you would rather be poor and thin than rich and fat - The Week Magazine

Such idiots!  I would rather be rich and thin.  Duh!

The odds are 1 out of 290 that a person in America is an illegal alien. - Time Magazine

Again, whoever did this study has obviously not been to my local mall.

The odds are 1 out of 500 that you visited Graceland last year. - Time Magazine

I did that!  Read about my trip to Graceland.

The odds are 1 out of 5 that you believe the best way to get rich is to win the lottery. - Yahoo News

Odds are also 1 out of 5 that you are a redneck.  Seriously though, I often dream of winning the lottery.

The odds are 1 out of 200 that you will turn up missing this year, if you’re an Alaskan. - Boston Globe

So we have a 1% chance of getting rid of Sarah Palin.  Wish those odds were better.

I'm not sure what the odds are on you having enjoyed this post, but I sure hope they are good.  I hope you enjoyed these numbers as much as I have (since I have been accused of being a math nerd).

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Michael Jackson Memorial Recovery Fund - Donate Here

For those of you that live in remote jungle villages, have just arrived from another planet, were recently discovered frozen in the Arctic, or have just woken up from a coma,  I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, has tragically passed away at the age of 50.

If you have been among the living, civilized world for the past three weeks, then there is no way in hell you aren't aware of this.  It has been the only thing on television for the entirety of the past three weeks.  And when I say the only thing, I mean the only thing.  Even if the guide says something else is on, when you turn it to that channel you get Michael Jackson.

Now granted, when the death first happened, I was riveted.  Everyone I knew was riveted.  My brother-in-law even admitted to getting out of bed at 1AM while his wife was sleeping, and dancing along with the Jackson videos they were playing.  I would never admit do that!

However, as time goes on, I am not sure how much more of my life I can dedicate to the gloved one's death.  There are only so many times that I can stand seeing Miko Brando on the Larry King Live show.  And I have definitely reached my limit on the number of times I can see Debbie Rowe's ugly face. 

So I say "no more" to watching Michael Jackson news.  I feel like my life is going up in smoke like a wad of Michael Jackson's hair in a 1984 Pepsi commercial shoot.  

I figure I've wasted at least 2 weeks of my life watching this crap.  What is two weeks of my life worth?  I figure it at about $1.4 million dollars, plus $150 for my cable bill, and $15 for a CD.

With this in mind, I will be setting up a website in order to take donations to recoup the cost of my memorializing Michael Jackson.  I know you may think the Jackson family should pay for this directly, since they are the ones that introduced Michael to the world in the first place, but I'm not sure it is their responsibility.  So, if you would like to donate to my fund, please post a comment, and I will give you directions.

Thank you for your support.  Stickman out!

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I Know You Are But What Am I?

There is a common idea amongst the members of my household.  It is an idea that I, personally, can not begin to understand.  Yet, each other member of my family has come to an agreement (which is something that rarely happens - especially between boy child and girl child), and perhaps I can no longer ignore their observation.

What is this epiphany that my loved and cherished ones have reached?  I will tell you, but I warn you that it is not nice.  Here it is:

They think I act like a child!

Shocking, isn't it?  It is to me every time that I hear one of them say it.  They say, "you are such a little kid" and I reply, "I know you are but what am I?"  Or Mrs. Stickman may say, "quit acting like a pathetic baby" to which I say, "Na nana na na nanana naneee."

Sure, I may do some childish things like hide girl child's food or make masturbation jokes to boy child.  I may sulk and slump my shoulders when someone makes fun of me.  I may say "why can't you just love me" every time Mrs. Stickman does or says anything.  But the truth is, I do it all in a very mature way.  No child could perform my routine with such passion, such snideness, such downright cuteness, and such incredible hilarity.

And yet with all of these wonderful attributes to my performance, I am often threatened with slaps, hits, and hatred.  I ask, is that any way to treat a child?

And, secretly, I know that they absolutely love it when I do these things.  They are just pretending to get annoyed and want to kill me.  All part of the fun.  Right, Mrs. S?

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dumbass of the Day Goes To...

There are dumbasses galore in this country.  I pride myself on being able to spot them.  Perhaps it is my far superior intelligence that makes them more obvious to me.  However, I think all will agree that this guy takes the cake.

U.S. Army Maj. Stefan Frederick Cook wins the dumbass of the day award for his asinine performance in his attempt to get out of being deployed to Afghanistan.   His reasoning for asking the court to halt his deployment, you ask?  Barack Obama is not a U.S. citizen and therefore can't be president, and therefore has no legal authority to order Cook to go to Afghanistan.  That's right....dumbass!

When are people going to give up on this "not a citizen" thing?  I thought it was over, but apparently not.  Cook's lawsuit is going to start a whole string of lawsuits now...I just know it.
The I-don't-have-to-pay-my-income-taxes-because-Obama's-not-a-citizen lawsuit.

The I-can-drink-and-drive-if-I-want-because-the-laws-don't-matter-because-Obama's-not-a-citizen lawsuit.

The I'm-gonna-marry-5-women-that-may-or-may-not-be-related-to-me-and-own-myself-a-bunch-of-slaves-since-the-constitution-is-void-because-Obama's-not-a-citizen lawsuit.

The Let's-demand-that-John-McCain-be-awarded-the-Presidency-and-then-we'll-kill-him-so-Sarah-Palin-can-be-President-and-then-quit-when-things-don't-go-her-way-because-Obama's-not-a-citizen lawsuit.
These are just a few of the many possibilities of lawsuits that we are going to see ride the coat strings of this dumbass soldier.  If the dumbass didn't want to be deployed, then the dumbass shouldn't be in the reserves.  We have been at war for what, 8 years now?  I'm sure he didn't sign on to the reserves for more than 8 years, right?  So he either a) renewed his contract, or b) signed on after the war was going on in the first place.  WHAT DID HE EXPECT?

And does he really think his little lawsuit is going to work?  That everyone else in the country is a dumbass, and he is the only genius to figure this out?  I mean, really?!?  Give me a break.

This is just my humble opinion.  Stickman out!

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Monday, July 13, 2009

Poor Poor Brian Dunkleman - Literally Poor Compared To Ryan Seacrest

Word is out today that Ryan Seacrest, the new Dick Clark, has signed a new 3-year deal with American Idol.  He will stay on as host for a reported $15 million per year.  This new super deal makes Seacrest the highest paid reality show host ever, by which they mean he gets paid more than Jeff Probst.  

I am pretty sure that there is no one else that would be anywhere near these guy's level, right?  Maybe the guy from The Bachelor?  He should get bonus money for having to step in at every rose ceremony and remind everyone that "this is the last rose" as if there were anybody in that room or in the viewing audience that didn't know it was the last rose.  I mean, really?!?  If they are going to make you look like a moron, they should compensate you for it.

There aren't too many people that even remember that Ryan Seacrest had a cohost on the first season of American Idol.  Back then no one knew who Ryan Seacrest was except people that listened to his local LA radio show, and probably his parents, but I'm not sure about that.  His cohost Brian Dunkleman was probably more famous that he was.  And yet, America fell in love with Mr. Seacrest, and America has no idea who Dunkleman is.

Sure Dunkleman tried to say that he quit.  He was taking a stand because the show treated contestants badly according to him, and the whole thing was overproduced and staged.  Ironically, back then it wasn't.  Maybe he saw what was coming?  Dunkleman, the comedic psychic.  Now available for children's birthday parties. Literally.

Truth is, Dunkleman sucked and Seacrest rocked.  Seacrest is an astute business man who now makes gazillions of dollars getting his hand into every money pot in the music and entertainment world.  Like I said earlier - the new Dick Clark.  I bet Dunkleman hates Seacrest.

Poor Brian Dunkleman.  Poor, poor Brian Dunkleman.  We remember you.

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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Attack Of The 50 Foot First Lady

Our newest weapon in the war on terror - and in encouraging diplomacy around the world - is to threaten nations with the attack of the fifty foot first lady!  It will scare the bejesus out of those damn terrorists.

I came across the following picture today, in which President Barack Obama threatens the Italian president and his wife with our new super weapon.  Here it is:

Notice the stair step effect?  At first I thought this was one of those crazy AT&T Wireless  commercials where everything indicates the fact that they have "more bars" - which is a load of crap, by the way.

Turns out it's not a commercial.  It's just two couples with one wife so short that her jacket hangs past her knees and the other a freakishly tall Amazon woman that has fashioned a dress out of banana peels.

Speaking of Amazon, I am reminded of a story.  When the kids were a bit younger, I took them to an aquarium, and as we approached the next exhibit in line (a tunnel where you walked through an aquarium full of fish) girl child says, "Oh cool!  We're going into the amazin' tunnel!)  Of course the sign said AMAZON, she just thought it was AMAZING.  We still say things that are amazing are amazon.  Kids!

Anyway, go get those damn foreigners Gigantor Obama!  There's no way they can measure up to you.

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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Who Decided It Was Nerdy To Like Math?

Mrs. Stickman recently referred to me to someone as a "math nerd."  I was a little taken aback by the obvious slap in the face to my abundant coolness.  Who is this person that decided if you like to perform mathematical problems, then you must be a nerd?  If you ask me, that's racial profiling!

I freely admit that I love math.  One of the reasons that I love playing poker so much is that it involves constant math.  In fact, Mrs. S was referring my poker skills when she called me a math nerd.  Is poker for nerds?  I think not!  Well, maybe it is actually.

I try to involve math in to everything that I do in life.  When we are on a road trip (before GPS came along and did all this for me) I will constantly recalculate arrival time based on miles left and current speed.  I could also calculate miles per gallon.  Time to get to the next state line, or big city.  There is just a plethora of math problems involved with driving long distances.  It is awesome!

When I lay in bed at night and can't sleep, I pick a number and begin multiplying to the nth power.  2 x 2 is 4 x 2 is 8 x 2 is 16 x 2 is 32, etc until I can't go any farther.  Fun stuff!

Does all of this make me nerdy?  I dare say NOT!  In my opinion it is incredibly COOL to do math.  I love that I can tell you what my odds of winning a poker hand are, and how high of a bet it is in my favor or not to call based on those odds.  It makes me a math STUD not a math NERD.

So, I say Mathies unite!  Let's fight the stigma of math as nerdy.  And maybe we can work on the computer nerd stereotype while we're at it too!

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Thursday, July 2, 2009

King's Response to Declaration of Independence

I found this response to the Declaration of Independence from King George III.  I'm not certain if it is real or not.  But it certainly seems feasible in today's society.  That King George was way ahead of his time.

The Court of King George III London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson,

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold truths to be "self-evident" . Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Management Analyst to the British Crown

This is very close to the response I got when I declared my independence from the company I work for.  I stepped into the middle of the office and yelled "INDEPENDENCE!!" at the top of my lungs.  Someone asked what I was doing and I told them "declaring my independence."  They said "you can't just say it."  And I said, "I didn't say it.  I declared it!"   Anyway, I made all that up, so just forget it.

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