Thursday, June 25, 2009

It Must Suck Being God

I don't think that I would want God's job.  It seems like it would be difficult, and very annoying.  I can't imagine having to listen to everybody's prayers.  I bet 90% of our prayers are just selfish wishes.

Do you think God really cares who wins the local little league baseball game?  And yet He (I will always use the He pronoun instead of She to make typing easier.  Please don't send me your feminist hate mail!) has 12 kids on each team, 2 coaches, and 60 parents or family members all praying for their team to win.  Do you think he actually has to choose who wins each game, or is he capable of leaving some things to chance?

Image how God must feel when the guy who just snorted cocaine gets pulled aside for random drug testing at work and starts praying that he doesn't get fired.  What do you do with that one?  Or when the lady that just cheated on her husband prays that she doesn't get pregnant?  Or when someone just really really doesn't want a Republican to be elected President?  How could God not answer that prayer?

I think if I was God there would be a lot more floods to wipe the Earth clean for a fresh start.  Or I'd just explode the Sun and move on to one of the other billions of planets and try again.

I imagine that God has to have a pretty sarcastic sense of humor.  How could he not?  I can just picture him thinking, "Really?!?!  You just stuck your arm in that vending machine trying to steel a candy bar, and now you want me to get your arm unstuck so that you don't get in trouble?  Maybe I'm the one that made your arm stick to teach you a lesson.  Ever think of that?  Asshole!"

That's right.  I don't think God is as frail as some Christians like to think he is.  I don't think he blushes when you swear.  I think he's a fan of sex.  And sometimes he just likes to screw with us.  Who do you think invented Murphy's Law? Some guy named Murphy?  Hell no, it was God.  Ironically he also invented the Murphy Bed.  Don't know what his obsession with Murphy is.

So the lesson is, don't pray to God for the stupid stuff.  Save it for the big stuff.  That way he won't learn to tune you out.  Don't waste all your yes answers on things like "please let Taco Bell still be open", "please let me get an aisle seat at the movies", or "don't let that fart smell, please."  Save them for more important things like "please don't let me lose anymore hair", "don't let me die", and "please let me win the lottery."

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1 comment:

  1. Yep. I think if God really had an interest in sports, teams like the Angels, Cardinals, and Saints would just DOMINATE. And the NJ Devils would never have won a Stanley Cup.