Sunday, April 19, 2009

Vampires - They Kind of Suck

Has anyone else noticed that vampires suck? But then again, so do vacuums - and we all seem to have one of those. So I guess just because something sucks doesn't mean that it isn't useful.

I have vampires on the brain because I just started a new book called The Historian. This book is about people that are studying the history of Vlad the Impaler, who is supposed to be the true figure of Dracula. So far, so good.

Look how useful vampires have been to Stephanie Meyers. If you aren't familiar with her, she is the author that wrote the Twilight series. This is a series of books about centuries old, yet still teenage, vampires. The tweens love this stuff. They go ecstatic over it. Those damn vampires are like The Beatles, or Elvis, to these kids.

So, or course, being the kind of Dad I am - the kind that likes to be up on the latest "thing" - I decided to read these books. Girl child had read them, and then Mrs. S read them too. So, I took their advice and gave the books a shot.

Let me tell you what I thought of these books. The were dumb. Useless. A waste of my time. I can't believe I used up all of that time of my life that I will never get back. And on top of that, I had to go and see the retarded movie too. I can't believe that any one that isn't 12 and female would read these books.

If you are Mrs. S or girl child, please skip the rest of this paragraph and go directly to the next one. OK, so here's the real deal. I LOVED this book series. I was so caught up, I could not read the books fast enough. Once I finished all the published books, I went online and read the draft of the next, unpublished book. I am totally on Team Jacob. He is way better than Edward. Especially in the second book. Edward is so, like totally, dumb. And I can't wait until the second movie comes out in November!

Anyway, I'm sure when the second movie comes out, the household females are totally going to drag me to go see it. Barf! And now they have gotten the boy child to read the books, and he is all into it to. Poor kid! He had stepped over to the dark side.

And, also, speaking of things that suck. Why can't a guy just drink a fuzzy navel wine cooler without having his manhood called into question. That's all I'd like to know? Someone please answer this for me. They taste so damn good! And sometimes a guy just doesn't want beer. Sometimes he wants something fruity. Oh... I may have just answered my own question. It's the "fruity" thing, isn't it?

Well, I'm off to drink some more wine coolers in the comfort of my own home. Cause that's what a man does. He's not too ashamed to be mocked by his cruel wife. He drinks what he damn well pleases! In private. At home.

Stickman out!
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  1. My wife loved the books, but said the movie sucked ass. As a writer who knows how hard it is to get a book published that is not about teenage vampires, I refuse to read them on principle.

  2. Diesel... Have you considered writing about teenage vampires? I could see you doing that! And that publishing deal is coming!